Life Happened

Isn't it a little ironic how when I make a post about coming back from an abrupt break, I disappeared for a bit?

Sorry about that.

In the time that I've disappeared from my blog, it's not that I became less interested, but life got in the way. 

Allow me catch you up.

I've got school exams starting next Monday (January 25th), however I've mainly been procrastinating with my studies. I only have three exams; English, French and math. I know I can study for math, I'm going to write up proper notes for all the modules on my math exam, but I have no clue how to study for a language exam.

French will be very easy for me considering my upbringing so I don't feel the need to study it at all, however for English, I could use all of the help I can get.

I'm doing well enough as it is, but I'm awful at analyzing texts and going "deeper" into the symbolic meaning of it. 

I feel like I should be worrying about my exams a lot more, but I'm not and it confuses me a little bit. However my Sunday night post might be me writing about how much I'm worrying about my exams on Monday.

Along with those classes, I'm also taking band. 

For that class, we practice conducting for a week and then had an exam (The exam was just conducting a small piece to the class while the other students played). I was feeling really good for the conducting exam because every time I practiced in front of the class, I felt as though I did really good; the only thing I had to remember was to distribute my weight evenly and not lean to one side.

Midway through my exam, I tried to shift my weight, I missed a beat and missed a cue.

Honestly, I thought my mark on my exam was going to bring down my overall mark in band, but my semi-bad exam raised my mark. I got a 99% on my band exam.

I was shocked and extremely happy.

It just goes to show that you should have faith in yourself because you'll do better than you might think you did and that exams aren't going to define who you are as a person if you mess at the wrong time.

That's everything that's happened to me during school, but more has happened outside of my school life, too.

Friday night at supper my mom got a call from my uncle. He was calling to let us know that he was in hospital and recovering after getting treatment for a heart attack.

He was shoveling his driveway and started to have chest pains, but he waited the following day before telling my aunt that he needed to go to the hospital.

It was definitely a shock to my family, but we knew how to handle it since my dad has suffered from two heart attacks himself.

My uncle is the father of my cousin who lives in New York, so she came home for a bit to be with her parents. My mom and I were able to visit her, my aunt and my uncle when he was able to return home. He's doing really good though, he's recovering greatly.

That's family life covered, only thing left is personal life.

I'm doing pretty well, I feel as though the realisation of exams will hit me later sooner or later. I, myself was in a hospital for a bit because of chest pain, but I was told I pulled some muscles across my chest while teaching from the repeated force of having kids jumps into my chest rather than my arms.

Other than that, I'm in perfect health! I'm sleeping more, going to the gym and eating actual, full meals.

So that's everything I missed during this accidental break and it's really nice to be back to blogging, but as I said, life got in the way.


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I'm Back From A Break!

Hey guys, I'm back!

I know it's a Thursday and I promise that I genuinely wanted to have this posted yesterday on my usual Wednesday/Sunday schedule, however I arrived home last evening feeling sick with a massive headache so I thought I would wait another day to make sure that I take my time with this post and I didn't rush through it.

So yes, I didn't post at all over the Christmas break and honestly, I think it was the right thing for me to do.

Admittedly, I'm not particularly close with all of my family. Whenever I see a few off my aunts and uncles, there's always a comment to be said about either my hair or jeans or class choice or song choice or personal interest.

There's always something unnecessary said about my personal choices and it gets to me. I usually get frustrated or angry, but this year I just felt down.

During the break I spent the majority of the time at my house, I left a few times but not too often, and I felt down about having to go see my family members because I knew what to expect.

If you ever start feeling down because you have to visit family, that's not a bad thing and you aren't a horrible person! If they aren't a positive motivation in your life, you don't have to put pressure on yourself and say that you have to love them because they're family, because honestly, you don't.

They say that you can't pick your family, but you can pick who's close to you in life and who you want to surround yourself with.

That doesn't specifically mean family.

Either way, I got through my holidays.

I had a few friends come over on New Years Eve and I was really starting to feel better, we only watched movies and I fell asleep 40 minutes before the New Year and was awoken in 2016.

A few hours later I did the polar bear swim! (For those who don't know what it is, it's when you run into water outdoors whether it's a lake/ocean/river)

I wasn't sure if I would do it this year but honestly it was probably the best year I've done it yet!

Later that night, I went to go see Star Wars with the same friends that were over for New Years Eve, and this is when things turned.

We got maybe a third of the way into the movie when I had an anxiety/panic attack. I don't know which one it was; I felt anxious because the theatre was completely full, however I calmed myself down during the previews and then laters had the anxiety/panic attack.

I want to say it was a panic attack because had it been anxiety, it would lasted until I got out of the theatre, but I'm honestly not sure.

That really set me back.

I was feeling pretty good, but then that happened and I fell right back down into my slump.

When school started back up, I came to realize that it's okay to be on a rollercoaster with my anxiety and depression because that's the reality of it. I'm going to have good days and bad days, I'm going to have anxiety/panic attacks. 

I want to get right out of those periods, but sometimes it can be really hard.

Things might seem bad now, but in a year I'll be able to look back on this and see how far I've come.

That was my break, tell me about yours! I hope you all had an amazing break that was both fun and relaxful.


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Don't Deny A Friend

When a few friends and I were just discussing a possibility of plans of watch a movie after school during the school day on Monday, we didn't know that it would go this far.

On Monday, we were talking about the possibility of the plans, it was only among three friends and I.

When we touched on the topic on Tuesday in math class, another person in our social group jumped in and said he couldn't wait for it.

The social group I'm apart of is pretty spread out, it's almost like there's one in each class and this would be my math and band social group.

I didn't know what to think of another friend jumping in on the plans, so we left it until today.

While finalizing the plans today, the friend who sort of invited himself said he was really excited, and I didn't have a problem with it.

However, one of my friends in the original planning group approached me and told me that he's iffy about the guy that invited himself because sometimes he makes him feel uncomfortable.

To be honest, I can understand where he's coming from because this guy doesn't always know when it's okay to continue on a joke and when you have to stop it there.

In other words, he doesn't always know where to draw the line.

It can make people feel uncomfortable, but that's him and maybe he'll learn later in time where to draw the line, and it's alright if that will take him a bit more time.

At this rate, I was torn.

Do I invite the friend who seemed like he really wanted to come or do I accommodate to the friend who feels uncomfortable at times around this person.

Then I realized something.

Not even 6 months ago, I was the kid who wanted to be invited to social events but wasn't always invited by the people I called my friends.

I know the feeling of thinking your friends hate you, I know the feeling of thinking you're alone and I know that it's one of the worst things to hear plans be made in front of you and you're not a part of them.

I talked to my friend that was a part d the original plan and explained to him my point of view and he agreed and saw where I was coming from.

He said that he could manage for a night, so that's what we did.

We all went to my house after school, played a few video games while waiting for one friend from the original plan and another last minute joiner because they were both at work and then we watched a movie.

In the end, I learnt that in high school, your social group will be very diverse and you will have many friends in all of your different classes.

It's okay to want to make plans with just a few of them, however if you are to make them, do them in private.

It's one of the worst feelings to hear some of your class friends make plans and not include you, but it also hurts to hear "I guess you can come too."

If you want a small group, make plans in private and if another wants to join, there's no reason nor need (unless it's something like your parents put a strict limit on number of friends that can be at the house) to deny them of the chance to be with friends.

Sometimes the only thing someone needs is a friend. Don't deny them of that.


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Anxiety and Depression VS. Anxious and Depressed

When you tell people you have anxiety, they usually say that they have it too.

Everybody gets anxious. It's a general feeling that pretty much everyone will feel once or many times throughout their life.

When you tell people you have depression, they might say that they feel down at times, too.

Everybody gets depressed. It's a general feeling that pretty much everyone will feel once or many times throughout their life.

Those two terms should be able to be used freely by people who are feeling those ways without people with anxiety and depression jumping down their throats and saying that it's not okay for them to feel that way or without feeling offended.

Of course if you have anxiety and/or depression, you might feel as though things are worst for you, but other people can feel anxious and/or depressed, maybe just not the same way that we do.

I agree that there is a difference, but everyone should be able to express how they feel without someone saying that they "don't know what real depression is like."

However, no one should ever joke about having depression or wanting to commit suicide. I can't believe that it's 2015 -almost 2016- and people are still joking about this serious issue when anyone around them could be pushed over the edge at any moment.

It's sickening.

Everyone gets anxious before speaking in front of the class or before they have to write a test and everyone gets depressed when they lose a loved one or have some sort of traumatic event happen.

Feeling these emotions can cause disruptions in someone's life.

Recently it's been disrupting mine.

To be honest with you all, I don't know what's wrong. I've just been really anxious with school work, I was really anxious with swimming report cards and by the end of the day when I would usually write my blog posts, I just don't have the mental energy to write them.

If anyone read my blog every day when I posted on a regular schedule because they found it therapeutic or simply enjoyed it, I'm sorry for not being back on my schedule, however I'm not in a mental place right now to have a set schedule.

I promise that they will be relatively around the time I used to post my blog posts, every Sunday and Wednesday, but at the moment I'm focusing hard on my mental health and I hope that you can all understand.


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Good Memories Don't Leave You

Something that my old school does every year is that the graduating students put on a show.

For the past seven years, it was "Roi de l'École" meaning "King of the School".

Because it was the King of the school, it was only the boys who could enter as contestants although the girls were in the show, however they couldn't win a "prize".

This year was the first edition of the "Star of the School", so anyone who wanted to could enter.

There were only five contestants, but all of the graduates participated in it someway or another.

This was the first year I went to go see this event at the school, so it was a little weird seeing something I always thought I would participate in.

I met up with a few of my old friends when I got to the school and we watched the event together.

The event was really well done, it was amazing and it was great seeing all of my old friends.

However, I have to admit that being at my old school brought up a lot of good memories and it made me want to go back.

These are the kids that I've gone to school with since primary, we have pictures of each other from when we were 5-6 years old! I moved away from everyone that I knew since I was little and sometimes I still wonder "Well, what if I stayed?"

Honestly, I thought about going back for grade 12 and it was immensely tempting.

When I got home, I talked to my parents about it and the only way I could go back to my old French school and still stay in the IB program would be to switch back after Christmas break this school year.

I wouldn't be able to go back just for grade 12 because the schools don't offer the same IB program and to go from none intensive writing in French to a high level French exam, I would be a little rusty.

I can't lie, I spent my whole evening thinking about what I really wanted to do, all of my good memories are at that school, and then I realized something important.

Memories don't change.

I can have all of those good memories at the French school and make more at my English school.

Of course the friendships aren't as close as my past ones, but you're constantly meeting people your whole life and being with the same people for so long can cause you to be in a safe bubble you can no longer venture out of.

I don't need to be in the same school to remember the good memories from it, I just have to remember that those memories aren't going anywhere.

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Balancing Out Stress From Work

I know that I've been less than faithful with my posting schedule, but everything is a little hectic at the moment.

School work is picking up, I'm starting to have more homework to do and more things to memorize; and on top of that I have my job and report cards to write.

Many people are confused when I say that I have report cards to write, but I do them for the swimming lesson classes I teach.

For the term I'm working, there's a total of 10 weeks, therefore 10 classes. By around the 7th or 8th week, we start to write report cards for the kids in the classes, hand them in to the looked over for week 9 and then hand them out on week 10.

I thought that it would be a breeze, but I was very wrong.

I have many classes with little kids and I can't say that many of them are passing.

They all have the same main problem which is they can't float.

While writing report cards, I can't wright the same thing in them because of they're friends within classes and parents compare report cards, that doesn't reflect too well on myself.

There's only oh so many ways you can word "Remember to squeeze your bum and to look up at the ceiling to help you float!"

Personalizing every single report cards wasn't the issue, it was the phrasing.

However I have managed to get almost all of them done, I believe that I have completed around 65 report cards and only have 10 more.

I didn't realize that I taught so many kids.

As you could imaging, 65 report cards with 10 more to go, schoolwork and general life events have made it difficult for me to write.

My Sunday evening was spent at the dining room table, report cards and worksheets all around me.

I love blogging, it's something that I want to do seriously when I'm older, but at the moment other things such as work and school will have to come first.

Admittedly, I've been feeling stressed because of the report cards.

I honestly wondered if teaching and writing a total of 75 report cards was worth it when I could make sandwiches or pour coffee into a cup for the same amount of money.

Then I realized that it was.

It's such a great feeling when a kid gets something right after weeks of working on it and you can pass them to the next level.

Writing so many report cards is worst is because you get to know these kids over the span of 10 weeks and you get to know their personalities and some of them you grow to like.

One father asked if I would have his daughter next term and I honestly hope so because even though she didn't cover all of the skills, she was always smiling and having fun and that's what makes my job great.

There's always going to be a stressful factor whether it's report cards, the environment you work in, the location, the people, the coworkers; but if there's something to balance out that stress, then you know it's worth it.

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Motivation Wednesday

I've known for awhile now that my grandmother is coming into town and staying with us over the weekend.

Because of this visit, I made a schedule to clean my room.

Monday started with doing my laundry.

Tuesday continued with putting things away/straightening things out.

Wednesday ended with vacuuming, cleaning my desk and doing whatever else had to be done.

Because of my amazing procrastination skills, all of that was left for today.

My room wasn't awful to begin with, honestly it did need a clean though, but had I not have had the motivation of know that my grandmother is coming, I probably wouldn't have had bothered to clean my room.

My motivation wasn't the most practical reason to clean my room, I wasn't doing it for myself but for my grandmother, but it was motivation nonetheless.

Sometimes it's hard to find motivation for events, but it's always possible.

Can't find any motivation to do homework?

Think about the chance of getting all of the homework right.

Think about the chance of feeling confident when the test comes around.

Think about the chance of doing amazingly well on the test.

Think about the chance of that test bringing up your average.

Think about the chance of getting into your college/university of choice because you brought your average up.

It'a not always easy to find the motivation in the moment, but think about the motivation for the long run.

Dig deep and find a reason; find your motivation.

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