My Secret: Revealed

I owe you all an explanation.

I love you all more than anything and I think it's time to tell my story. 

It's time to tell you all why I started this blog and why I'm not always posting on Wednesdays like I promised that I would.

Although it's difficult for me to write this today this has been something that I've been wanting to write about for a really long time.

Since October last year, I've felt as though I'm two different people.

The first person being the one that everyone sees, the happy me usually laughing, smiling or telling a joke.

The other being my secret self that only I ever get to experience.

It's hard for me to write this; I've been staring at my computer screen for about three minutes even though I know perfectly well what I want to write.

Right, here it goes.

The day after my 15th birthday back in March, I was diagnosed with depression.

With where the world is at today, it might not be an uncommon thing to hear an you might know a few people with depression, but it's very hard for me to open up about this because this is a factor of my life that I've kept extremely private since being diagnosed.

There are many different types of depression, but when I went to go see my doctor I was not diagnosed with a specific one.

I knew that something wasn't right long before going to the doctor's, but it was only confirmed there.

Admittedly, I was ashamed.

I was upset with myself because I remembered all the movies from when I was little and the depressed person was always an outcast and always viewed in a negative way, so I kept quiet about it all. I didn't want to be viewed the same way those characters on TV were.

I don't want to say that I suffered because I know that other people in the world have worse situations than I do, but I don't know how else to describe it.

I went through my days with a smile that couldn't reach my eyes, I had a lack of motivation for school work and whenever I didn't want to go to a softball practice, it would always because I was "feeling sick". I was too ashamed to even admit my depression to my parents even though they knew.

The later part of the year has been better for me so far, but even then things can get difficult.

Teaching swimming lessons can be extremely difficult. I have to be happy and smiling for three hours, it's part of my job. Somedays I'll wake up and immediately know how difficult its going to be, but I just push through it.

Having depression can be like a constant roller coaster. You're enjoying the climb up, but the next second you can feel your stomach drop and you have the urge to scream.

I have good days where I'm barely affected by my depression, but I have harder days where getting out of bed is a challenge.

Yes, I can be tired on Wednesdays, but I can also have a lack of motivation and a lack of energy where I can't write a post.

Writing this tonight was very difficult and emotionally draining for me. I stopped a few times and had a few cries, but that's the truth behind this post. 

I want to share this with you all today because I understand.

I understand what it's like to feel like your life is not going anywhere.
I understand what it's like to have no motivation.
I understand what it's like to cry over a simply school project.
I understand what it's like to have depression.

Kevin Breel once said "When you tell people you break your arm, they come running forward to sign the cast. When you tell them you have depression, they turn around and run the other way."

And I felt as though I couldn't agree more.

I want to change that.

Just because I have depression doesn't mean I'm less of a person. 

Having depression doesn't mean that I'm not just as valuable as someone without depression.

It's time to stop tiptoeing around depression. It is a subject we need to address.

It's time to make a point of it and let people know that they aren't alone.

My secret is out and you can always email me at onemoregirlonlineadvice@gmail.com if you every want to get something off your chest in a non-judgement zone.

It's time to start talking about mental health because wherever in the world that you are; you are not alone.

My secret is out and honestly, it feels great. It's something that's been a secret of mine for ages, so I'm relieved to be able to get that off my chest.


One More Girl, no longer online