Thursday 30 July 2015

Becoming More Reponsible

They say that you have more and more responsibilities as you get older and that you become more responsible, but that's not the case for everyone.

I've heard many stories of kids who grow up too fast, and that's another way to say that they received too many responsibilities at once and had to mature faster than they probably should've.

I can't say that I have a case like that, but I've definitely have matured quite a bit in just a little over a week.

Now that I'm a swim teacher, I'm currently trying to balance a total of four jobs. As I mentioned, I'm a swim teacher, I dog walk, I volunteer at a museum and I babysit.

That's a lot to balance alone, but you also have to throw in my softball schedule and gym schedule in there.

This is my first year being a swim teacher and volunteering at the museum, so I'm still trying to figure all of that out.

My schedule is crazy now. My softball team has missed about eleven or so games due to weather, so their constantly being pushed back and that affects everything else in my schedule.

It's becoming complicated to take shifts at the museum and take possible subbing shifts at the pool when I never know when I'm playing anymore.

This has caused me to become more responsible.

I went out the other day to buy a monthly calendar to be able to see my schedule for the whole month and not overbook myself.

Of course there are many phones out there that have calendars, and I do in fact have one on my phone, but it's a lot easier to have everything written down and be able to see everything at the same time.

When school starts up again, I feel like things will be okay.

I will still be working, volunteering and babysitting, but softball would be off the table and that's good because my schedule will be straightforward.

No delays, no cancellations, no makeup games, my schedule will be more regular.

In the end, it's good to be organized.

It might be a bit scary to have all of these responsibilities all of a sudden, but you figure out your own way to manage your schedule and your responsibilities.

My way is to have a calendar while to someone else, it could be having a schedule that doesn't change at all.

Either way, become more responsible is a challenge at first, but you learn.

I thought that I was going to be terrified with having so many responsibilities, but I found a balance that worked for me, so that's good!

Now I do know that this post is one day late and that I'm talking about responsibilities, but the reason for that is that I'm still trying to figure out my schedule for blogging.

I wanted to post this last night, but I only got home at around 11:30, and by then I was too drained to write a post.

In the end, I'm learning balance and how to become responsible and it shouldn't be something to be afraid of. It's an adjustment that we all make.


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Sunday 26 July 2015

My First Ever Work Shift

Oh my goodness.

Today, I had my first ever proper job shift.

As some of you know, I'm a certified swim teacher and as I was lounging around my house this afternoon, I had a family friend text me to say that he was sick and he needed a sub tonight to cover his classes and he asked me if I could.

I figured that this would be a good way to ease myself into teaching on my own  rather than to have my own classes for a first time experience.

I was pretty nervous before I started. Me being me, my mind automatically raced to all the possibilities of things going wrong. Easy enough to say, I psyched myself out.

However, a pool supervisor told me that he would be in the pool with all of the classes today, so if I needed a hand I could call him over to help. That helped me relaxed a bit.

My first class was with an older level, but there was only one girl out of two who showed up.

Honestly, only having one girl to teach boosted my confidence.

I didn't have to jump into a class with six, three years old, kids where half of them didn't listen. I had to teach one girl who was ready to learn, liked to swim and I slowly gained confidence during that first class.

I had a total of five classes in the three hours of my shift, and that's not bad at all.

I was worried that I wouldn't have enough things to do with all the students, but I ended up having plenty to do with almost all of the classes.

When it came to my last lesson, it was a private lesson for a little boy in one, I started to run out of things to do, but he was pretty interested in the bottom of the pool, so for the last two minutes a let him see the bottom of the pool in between two last floats.

I was impressed by most of the kids attention. Of course, it's harder with the younger kids, but all of the older kids were great!

I had a younger group with a little boy and a little girl in the group, but the little boy's aunt and grandmother were also at the pool. Usually that's no problem, but his aunt came over to talk to him during the lesson and that completely derailed and distracted him and he wouldn't listen to me anymore.

I couldn't tell the aunt that I need her to leave in fear of seeming rude, so I said "Hey, hop back in, bud! The lesson isn't over yet!" and the aunt understood that she had to step back for a little while longer and she understood that.

My only other troubled time was when I had six students from the ages of three to five. One of them was not listening to me at all, he didn't want to participate in the class and do what everyone else was doing and the supervisor saw me struggling a little bit, so he came over to help me out with him.

I taught the other five kids while he dealt with that one student.

Overall, I think I had a pretty good first shift.

I was nervous about so many things, but I got over those as more lessons went by and there was other staff around if I needed any help.

Your first shift is always the one you get the most worked up about whether it's with nerves or anxiety, but as soon as you get it over and done with, you realize that it isn't nearly as bad as you thought it could be.

I'm really happy that I took this shift, I feel more comfortable teaching in the water (granted I haven't made any of my own lesson plans) and I feel as though this is a job that I can do well.


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Wednesday 22 July 2015

Something Bigger Than Us

Today's been a pretty special day seeing as it's my parents 20th wedding anniversary.

Although they both had their own things to do today -my dad had to work and my mom was out helping my grandmother- they were going out to dinner together.

I wasn't expecting my dad to open the door to our basement when he got home from work and yell down to ask me where I wanted to go for supper.

It's their anniversary, not mine! They should've gone out just the two of them for a date night like I originally thought that they were going to do.

I thought that it would be only the three of us because my sister often goes out with her friends after work and my parents and I have gone out without her on many occasions, but my parents said that we were going to wait for my sister to get home because she would be coming out with us.

My sister and I never really get on that well. 

Sure, we have our sister moments where everything is fine, we get along and talk to each other, but most of the time we stay clear from each other or argue. 

Definitely when we're out in public, when know when to draw the line, so usually we don't really talk to each other then either. 

Today though, we put our differences aside for our parents.

It wasn't something that we discussed and agreed on, but it was something that we knew needed to happen.

Admittedly, we put our parents under a lot of stress with all of our jobs, last minute plans, arguments, etc., so we had to do something nice for them, especially today.

In the end, family is something bigger than us and sometimes you'll have to make small sacrifices to make other family members happy. Sometimes you'll have to make compromises on something that you're not all that happy about for a better end result.

We can't pick the family that we have, so you learn quickly that family can be about compromises and sacrifices for others because family is there to stay whether you like it or not. It doesn't have to be about parents and siblings alone, it could be about aunts, uncles, cousins or anyone that you define as family.

Overall, happy 20th anniversary mom and dad, I love you guys.


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Sunday 19 July 2015

Things Change

I wrote my post Anxiety Attack and Amazing Teammates back in May and a lot has changed since then.

When I had my anxiety attack on the bench, the two girls who really helped me through it have now left my team.

They decided that they wanted to play in an older age division, so the left.

I'm happy for them if they're happy with their new team, I can understand wanting to change for the reasons that they did and I'm not upset at all by their decision.

I guess I'm a little sad about it because they were two of the nicest girls on the team and I will miss them.

We've had to move on as a team even after they left, so practice continued as did games and tournaments.

Over this weekend was the first tournament we played without those two girls.

When we arrived at the hotel we were all staying at Friday night, all the girls came into my room.

Usually what happens is that we break up into a group of a few girls and spread out through the rooms and usually we never hang out in mine, but this time around I had all the girls but one in my room for a total of eleven girls.

It was loud at times, but it was pretty fun. I thought it got off to a good start, I was feeling like it was going to be a good weekend.

I was wrong.

We went on and played well. We ended up winning two games and losing two games, so that was that. No metal this time around, but I was okay with that. It wasn't the games that I had a problem with.

It was my teammates.

I've never been the favourite of the team, I know that. I've never been the one that my teammates really strike up a conversation with, but I guess I'm okay with that.

Even though the girls spent Friday night in my room, I could barely get anything I wanted to say out, even with all the different conversations coming up, I couldn't get into any of them.

Things didn't change once we were at the field.

I was often cut off, often had a girl I was talking to turn their back on me in the middle of a sentence and start up a new conversation with someone else.

I can't lie, it sucked.

During today's game, I was talking to one girl's of something when we were in the dugout and I had two others turn to me and tell me to be quiet.

Usually, I don't talk bad about the other teams that we play at all, but this team was complaining about the way I played first base and I could hear them because they were in the first base dugout.

I was telling the same girl on my team that I was trying to talk to earlier how I could hear them say that I was doing something wrong when we both knew that I wasn't and that I had one girl push me out of the way, but the two girls from before who told me to stop talking also told me to stop talking like that and that I should stop.

That's coming from one of the girls that constantly insults the other teams that we play to us (her own team), curses when she gets out and insults the other players to us with either racist or ageist comments.

I didn't know what to think.

There's one girl on the team who will jokingly say things such as "If you hit me with the ball, I'll be mad," or "Ew, it's you," but now I'm scared that she's not actually joking.

Not everyone will like you in life and I get that, but it hurts.

People know what it's like to experience that feeling that everyone around you hates you and that you're not accepted, so why do they make other people feel that way?

I'm finally admitting that I don't feel comfortable on my softball team that I've played for for about eight years now. I don't feel welcomed on my team anymore.

Is it that they hate me because I talk loudly? I'm used to having to raise my voice while with them to be heard by someone. I don't mean to be loud, I'm just tired of having to trail off with my sentence because everyone else is listening to the girl who just cut me off.

I love softball and I don't want to quit it. This might be a bump in the road and things will be different next year, but I don't know what to do until then.

Usually when I have a post like this, I try to leave advice at the end of it in case one of you are going through the same thing that I am, but I can't do it this time.

I'm lost.

I don't know how to fix this, I don't know what to do or what to think or what to say, I don't know how to change this or how to stop feeling bad for being on my own softball team.

I'm sorry if this bummed you out as you read it, I know it bummed me out to write it.

I didn't know who to turn to with my thoughts so I thought that my blog and my amazing readers would be the best place to go.

If any of you have a piece of advice for this situation, I'd love to hear it. I hope that I'm one of the only ones who's going through this because I know how awful it feels and I wouldn't want anyone else to feel this way.

Someday I'll be spending my time with people who will listen to me and who will care about what I have to say.

I just have to wait until then, I guess.


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Wednesday 15 July 2015

My Life, My Time

Seeing as it's summer, my parents want to see me outside, hanging out with friends and generally being out and about, but that's not necessarily what I want or what can happen at the moment.

Admittedly, I haven't gone out of my way to make plans with friends because I feel as though they're all busy and I don't want to bother them by texting them.

I've also been spending a lot of time at home with the dog, but today my mom reminded me that it is okay if I leave the house for a few hours because my grandmother also goes out and leaves the dog on her own.

After she told me that, I just so happened to be told that I could go out and meet my dad for lunch.

This seems like a perfectly nice offer that any teen stuck at home would've taken because it's a free lunch at a restaurant, how wouldn't want that?

It just wasn't what I wanted today.

I love my parents and with everything that they do for me, I don't mind spending time with them. When my mom told me that I could go, I feel as though she was certain that I was going to say yes.

Honestly, I was a little hesitant but I still went.

I was hesitant because I wasn't hungry for lunch and I was a little tired.

Seeing as though I was on the fence about going, I decided to go anyway.

In the end, I did end up enjoying the lunch and I ate most of what I ordered.

I couldn't help to think that this could be part of the problem.

A little while back, I wrote my post Bad Habits and how you shouldn't be ashamed of them and if you want to overcome one, it will take time.

Another one of my bad habits is to put everyone else's feelings before my own.

When my cousin came up for vacation from New York, she had tickets for us to go to Jazz Fest, but I also happened to have a softball game that night. My dad had to go drop something off at the field, and when he was there, he called me to let me know that my team was down one player and would most likely have to forfeit if I didn't play.

I was torn, not by what I wanted to do, but what I thought everyone else wanted me to do.

I see my cousin for about the time period of one to two weeks per year, I rarely miss any softball practices or games, I would be missing part of an event that my cousin and I were looking forward to for months, my team would lose a game because of me, my cousin payed for these tickets herself, my softball team would be single handedly let down by me.

I had so many thoughts going through my head that I couldn't even think of what I wanted for myself.

My mom told me that I would be upset one way or another, and seeing the time and situation I was in, I decided to go to the concert with my cousin. That didn't stop me from feeling terrible for the first few hours.

With lunch today, I decided to go myself, but I thought that if I didn't go, I'd be disappointing both of my parents.

When I got home, I started to think about things like that more.

In the end, it's my life.

I shouldn't have to spend time doing something or going somewhere that I don't want to go.

If I end up regretting, then all the blame is on me. 

If I'm on the fence about something, I always try and give it a chance because if I don't like it, I can stop whatever I'm doing or leave wherever I was heading to.

If I want to do something or go somewhere, great, I'm all in, but I don't want to spend time from my life doing stuff that I don't enjoy.

I wouldn't be blogging this today if I didn't like writing.

Although I'm still young and I can't have a complete say as to what I do all the time, I'm going to start managing my time better because I'm tired of doing stuff that I don't actually want to do. 

It's my life, I can spend it's time however I want to and I shouldn't feel guilty about it. 

Even if I can't start that now, that's one of my biggest goals for the future.


One More Girl, no longer online

Sunday 12 July 2015

Bad Habits

Everyone has bad habits.

Personally, I bit my finger nails when I get nervous, worried, stressed or anxious. It's something that I do that I'm aware that I'm doing it, but I can't help it.  I could be telling myself to stop, but I'll continue to bit my finger nails.

Bad habits aren't anything to be ashamed of, everyone has something that they do, you can't judge someone on a bad habit that they have when you have one that's equally as bad.

Another bad habit of mine is to babble on.

When someone asks me something and I'm nervous for some reason, I'll tend to give a long answer when a brief answer would've been enough.

For example, someone could ask me what type of music that I like around someone I just met and I'll go on to give my answer and practically defend myself and go on to give reasons as to why I like that type of music.

Admittedly, I babble when nervous, but I also babble when it's something that I'm passionate about.

I'm passionate about a few things such as writing, reading, music and a few other things.

As I mentioned, I'm passionate about music.

I'm currently at my aunt and uncle's cottage along with my older cousin and like myself, my uncle is passionate about music, too.

Everyone was up and in the living room area by about 9:00 this morning, but we were all reading so nobody really talked until about 11:00 or so.

By about 11:00, we started to get a move on things and my uncle started to make some pancakes.

While he was making the batter, he was talking to me about music because he had his phone plugged into the stereo and was asking me if I knew whatever song or whatever artist was playing.

I said no and then I went to ask him if he knew someone because another artist covered their song and they changed it to make it acoustic and slower and it's currently one of my favourites songs, and seeing as it's something I'm passionate about, I wanted to mention it.

I was talking to him while he was doing the batter measurements, and at one point he cut me off by saying "Shit!"

Asking what was wrong, me told me that he got the measurements wrong and had put in way to much milk. 

He then turned to everyone else and said that it was because I was distracting him by talking.

They all laughed and I didn't know what to think because I really thought it was my fault, I thought I ruined everything.

Then I understood that he was most likely joking, but I still couldn't help but feel bad about it. 

I just got into something I was passionate about and as usual, I started to babble.

I understand that it's a bad habit of mine, but they're hard to break. It's not an overnight thing, many people realize that, but I still felt as though that I was really bothering him, that he would've preferred that I hadn't said anything to begin with.

You live and learn. Bad habits are a part of that learning because so many people might be used to it from you that it might start to annoy someone else. 

Having it annoy someone else and making you even more conscious about it might help you become more aware of it and help you manage it.

Bad habits are hard to quit, I completely understand, but I think the first step to stopping one is to manage it. Doing it only at certain times and working yourself down so that you're doing it less and less might help you quit for good.

Nobody's perfect, not everyone, if not no one, will be able to stop their bad habit on their first attempt, so don't be disappointed in yourself if you have to try and try again. 

It happens to the best of us and it makes us insecure, but remember that you're not the only one out there.


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Thursday 9 July 2015

Eternal Love

Whenever I heard the term "eternal love" when I was younger, I would always immediately think of couples and families.

As I got older, I started to realize that you didn't only have to have an eternal love for someone but also something

Last night, I got to really see that.

Granted I didn't write a post yesterday, but I was out at a jazz festival concert with my family.

I went with my parents, my aunt and uncle, and also my two older cousins (one of which was my cousin who's currently visiting from New York).

My city is currently holding a jazz festival and the show we went to last night was Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings.

All I can say about that performance is "Wow."

Sharon has an insane amount of energy, the band was incredible and the show was amazing.

When my family and I got through the gates, we went to sit in the bleachers,

After a little while, I started to feel claustrophobic. The bleachers were so packed that once you sat down, you were in and couldn't get out without having to get at least one person to move.

I really didn't like it, I focused more on the people around me rather than the show and I hated that. I can't enjoy the things I want to go to because I get to worked up about other things.

My cousin got me to go dance with her, and once we were out of the bleachers, she told me that she got me because I  looked bored. I told her what was really going through my mind and she walked around with me, brought me to a less crowded area and held my hand or had her arm around me for the remaining of the time.

I was really grateful for that.

Because of my cousins' actions, I was able to focus more on the concert.

Before my cousin got me out of the bleachers, I could really only focus on the people around me.

I saw old friends meeting up for the first time in awhile to enjoy a concert together, I saw couples enjoying each others company, I saw friends run into other friends that didn't know they were also going to the concert, I saw others families meet up, I saw people who didn't care who was watching them but would dance anyway and I saw people watch or do something their passionate about.

You don't have to meet a person to know what they love, nor to find out what one of their eternal loves are and I think that's an amazing thing.

None of you know me, but you all seem to know that one of my eternal loves is writing. 

You can love something and you can have passion for something, but once you have both of those things together, I think that's when it's eternal love.

Even though I was uncomfortable at the concert, I still liked being able to take my time and properly look at the people around me. 

When you catch someone doing what they love without the other persons knowledge, you know its real and it's pretty amazing.


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Sunday 5 July 2015

Being Conscious of Injuries

Awhile back ago, I wrote a post called Injuries and Recoveries which was about how I got self-conscious when I had to wear physiotherapy tape down my arm, I was worried that people kept looking at me oddly, but I realized that it was important for my recovery and I shouldn't worry what people think if the tape is helping me.

Today's post is also along the line of injuries and sports.

I was at a softball tournament this weekend and my team did really well; we went undefeated and came home with the gold medal. However, not everything went smoothly as hoped.

During the championship game, I went up to my first at bat. I was excited, I was pumped for my at bat because I've been hitting well the whole tournament, it was my first time going up that game, we were up by a few runs and I knew that I could get on base, I was confident in myself.

The confidence payed off because I ended up hitting the ball towards the secondbasemen, but she fumbled the ball a little bit and I was safe.

Then I heard a cry.

The pitcher was on the ground, holding her knee, not moving and crying.

As a player, that's awful to see, you don't ever want to see any player in that position. However as an opponent, you just want to know what happened, if she was injured before and what the injury is.

Out of respect, my team all took a knee and watched on as coaches rushed to the field with ice, something to put under her head and whatever they thought could help.

She was down for awhile, they had ice on it, but then they figured it would be better for the girl to get her off the field and out of the sun.

She couldn't walk off the field, she had to be carried off.

As her teammate came back to her position at first base, I asked if she would be alright. 

She told me that she didn't know because she just recovered from a torn ACL and just twisted the same knee.

ACL injuries are very difficult to overcome. Once you injure it, it won't heal to it's original state ever again.

When I got back to the dugout, my dad told me that she (the pitcher) went for a ball that shouldn't have been hers in the first place which caused her to twist her bad knee.

I don't think that she'll play softball for the rest of the season, but I don't even know if she'll be able to play for the next few years. 

In whatever case scenario it is, if you're doing something you're passionate about and you see someone whether a friend or competitor, experience something that causes them to have to leave something their passionate about, it also hurts you a little bit. 

Although it's nowhere near the pain that the person themselves feel for having to leave something their passionate about, you still understand the pain of not being able to do what you love and it's one of the worst pains out there.

This just shows more that you have to take care of yourself.

Although you might have to go ahead from the doctor and they say you're fully recovered, pay extra attention to what's happen so that you don't injure yourself, be conscious of how you're moving. I know it's difficult when it's in the rush of the moment, but people should be concious of injuries in any way that they can.

In the example of softball, if you have to let the ball go pass you to save yourself from a bad injury, then do it. Although you're passionate about something, make sure that you take care of yourself and take your health into thought before other things.

If you feel uncomfortable about going into a game while just recovering from an injury, talk to your coach and tell them how you feel. They'll understand because coaches also want whats best for their players and will put their health before the game, too.

You shouldn't feel forced into something when you've just recovered or are still recovering from an injury.

Injuries are tough enough as they are, but they don't have to be bad to the extent that you have to stop doing something that you're passionate about.


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Wednesday 1 July 2015

Canada Day Family Barbecue

As I mentioned on my blog post before this one, A Long Awaited Homecoming, my older cousin is home and tonight was the big Canada Day barbecue.

Before I get into the story as to what majorly happened, I should explain that this is my mom's side of the family. 

On my mom's side, the ages are quite diverse. My eldest aunt just started university when my uncle was born. For that reason, I have cousins that are all grown up, married and have kids. At that point, my mom's side of the family had this sort of agreement that even if their your cousin, if they're older than you by a lot and have their own kids, you can call them your aunt/uncle.

My cousin that cam home for the first time in awhile is actually my cousin, but I could call her my aunt if I wanted to.

For the barbecue, I was pretty surprised that not everyone showed up. I easily thought that we were going to be 20+ people when in reality, we were only about 18. I was okay with that because I really was expecting more family members to show up.

I'm really happy that I went because everyone that I saw tonight, I only see them a handful amount of times per year.

The supper was pretty nice; we got there early, sat around, talked and caught up with everyone and we all had a good laugh.

I felt terrible at one point though because I had a terrible choice of words. 

My cousin moved to the States, out of country, to be with her boyfriend. After a little bit of her living there, they decided to get married to speed up the process of her getting a green card. They had their wedding ceremony at City Hall, but I know that they want to have a wedding party or maybe even a typical marriage ceremony with the white dress, tuxedos, reception and all that. I'm not too sure what they want to do, but I think it's something along those lines.

Anyway, when things quieted down, I asked my cousin (when everyone could hear) "Hey, when are you having a proper wedding?" 

That's not what I intended, that's not what I meant, but I couldn't find another word by the time the sentence started to come out of my mouth.

Everyone had a laugh and my cousin thought it was pretty funny. My mom was telling me to stop talking, but my cousin and her husband understood what I meant, so I guess that it's fine...? Overall, it wasn't my greatest moment.

During the supper, everything was good, it was pretty much the same as before supper.

After that, everyone was settling down. My little cousins gave us a little gymnastic performance and then a highland dance performance, so it was really fun to see that. It was so cute considering that they're all still in elementary school.

We started to clean up and we were all inside, so my grandmother decided to give her wedding present to my cousin and her husband.

My grandmother started this tradition for children and grandchildren only that she sews a quilt for each of us and gives it to us on our wedding day or as a marriage present.

My cousin was so excited to get hers because she knew exactly what it was. Turns out that my grandmother waited 13 years to give that to her, so it was nice that she finally got it.

Seeing as though my little cousins are young in age, they left the party with their parents and that left eleven of us. 

We got a fire going, roasted a few marshmallows and had some s.mores. Admittedly, this was my first time ever having a proper s'more. Those things are good! I could only manage one though, they're also pretty filling. 

Surprisingly. my grandmother wanted one, but when i went to give her a stick to roast the marshmallow on, she said "Oh, I thought you were making me one," so I did.

That was it, really. It was a lot of catching up with family I don't see often, so that was nice. 

I'm not the biggest fan of big family gatherings, I have to admit, but I got to talk to family members face to face that I only see twice a year. We were all able to have a laugh and no one was really stressing over anything.

If you ask me, it was kind of a perfect way to spend Canada Day with your family.


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