My Life, My Time

Seeing as it's summer, my parents want to see me outside, hanging out with friends and generally being out and about, but that's not necessarily what I want or what can happen at the moment.

Admittedly, I haven't gone out of my way to make plans with friends because I feel as though they're all busy and I don't want to bother them by texting them.

I've also been spending a lot of time at home with the dog, but today my mom reminded me that it is okay if I leave the house for a few hours because my grandmother also goes out and leaves the dog on her own.

After she told me that, I just so happened to be told that I could go out and meet my dad for lunch.

This seems like a perfectly nice offer that any teen stuck at home would've taken because it's a free lunch at a restaurant, how wouldn't want that?

It just wasn't what I wanted today.

I love my parents and with everything that they do for me, I don't mind spending time with them. When my mom told me that I could go, I feel as though she was certain that I was going to say yes.

Honestly, I was a little hesitant but I still went.

I was hesitant because I wasn't hungry for lunch and I was a little tired.

Seeing as though I was on the fence about going, I decided to go anyway.

In the end, I did end up enjoying the lunch and I ate most of what I ordered.

I couldn't help to think that this could be part of the problem.

A little while back, I wrote my post Bad Habits and how you shouldn't be ashamed of them and if you want to overcome one, it will take time.

Another one of my bad habits is to put everyone else's feelings before my own.

When my cousin came up for vacation from New York, she had tickets for us to go to Jazz Fest, but I also happened to have a softball game that night. My dad had to go drop something off at the field, and when he was there, he called me to let me know that my team was down one player and would most likely have to forfeit if I didn't play.

I was torn, not by what I wanted to do, but what I thought everyone else wanted me to do.

I see my cousin for about the time period of one to two weeks per year, I rarely miss any softball practices or games, I would be missing part of an event that my cousin and I were looking forward to for months, my team would lose a game because of me, my cousin payed for these tickets herself, my softball team would be single handedly let down by me.

I had so many thoughts going through my head that I couldn't even think of what I wanted for myself.

My mom told me that I would be upset one way or another, and seeing the time and situation I was in, I decided to go to the concert with my cousin. That didn't stop me from feeling terrible for the first few hours.

With lunch today, I decided to go myself, but I thought that if I didn't go, I'd be disappointing both of my parents.

When I got home, I started to think about things like that more.

In the end, it's my life.

I shouldn't have to spend time doing something or going somewhere that I don't want to go.

If I end up regretting, then all the blame is on me. 

If I'm on the fence about something, I always try and give it a chance because if I don't like it, I can stop whatever I'm doing or leave wherever I was heading to.

If I want to do something or go somewhere, great, I'm all in, but I don't want to spend time from my life doing stuff that I don't enjoy.

I wouldn't be blogging this today if I didn't like writing.

Although I'm still young and I can't have a complete say as to what I do all the time, I'm going to start managing my time better because I'm tired of doing stuff that I don't actually want to do. 

It's my life, I can spend it's time however I want to and I shouldn't feel guilty about it. 

Even if I can't start that now, that's one of my biggest goals for the future.


One More Girl, no longer online