Things Change

I wrote my post Anxiety Attack and Amazing Teammates back in May and a lot has changed since then.

When I had my anxiety attack on the bench, the two girls who really helped me through it have now left my team.

They decided that they wanted to play in an older age division, so the left.

I'm happy for them if they're happy with their new team, I can understand wanting to change for the reasons that they did and I'm not upset at all by their decision.

I guess I'm a little sad about it because they were two of the nicest girls on the team and I will miss them.

We've had to move on as a team even after they left, so practice continued as did games and tournaments.

Over this weekend was the first tournament we played without those two girls.

When we arrived at the hotel we were all staying at Friday night, all the girls came into my room.

Usually what happens is that we break up into a group of a few girls and spread out through the rooms and usually we never hang out in mine, but this time around I had all the girls but one in my room for a total of eleven girls.

It was loud at times, but it was pretty fun. I thought it got off to a good start, I was feeling like it was going to be a good weekend.

I was wrong.

We went on and played well. We ended up winning two games and losing two games, so that was that. No metal this time around, but I was okay with that. It wasn't the games that I had a problem with.

It was my teammates.

I've never been the favourite of the team, I know that. I've never been the one that my teammates really strike up a conversation with, but I guess I'm okay with that.

Even though the girls spent Friday night in my room, I could barely get anything I wanted to say out, even with all the different conversations coming up, I couldn't get into any of them.

Things didn't change once we were at the field.

I was often cut off, often had a girl I was talking to turn their back on me in the middle of a sentence and start up a new conversation with someone else.

I can't lie, it sucked.

During today's game, I was talking to one girl's of something when we were in the dugout and I had two others turn to me and tell me to be quiet.

Usually, I don't talk bad about the other teams that we play at all, but this team was complaining about the way I played first base and I could hear them because they were in the first base dugout.

I was telling the same girl on my team that I was trying to talk to earlier how I could hear them say that I was doing something wrong when we both knew that I wasn't and that I had one girl push me out of the way, but the two girls from before who told me to stop talking also told me to stop talking like that and that I should stop.

That's coming from one of the girls that constantly insults the other teams that we play to us (her own team), curses when she gets out and insults the other players to us with either racist or ageist comments.

I didn't know what to think.

There's one girl on the team who will jokingly say things such as "If you hit me with the ball, I'll be mad," or "Ew, it's you," but now I'm scared that she's not actually joking.

Not everyone will like you in life and I get that, but it hurts.

People know what it's like to experience that feeling that everyone around you hates you and that you're not accepted, so why do they make other people feel that way?

I'm finally admitting that I don't feel comfortable on my softball team that I've played for for about eight years now. I don't feel welcomed on my team anymore.

Is it that they hate me because I talk loudly? I'm used to having to raise my voice while with them to be heard by someone. I don't mean to be loud, I'm just tired of having to trail off with my sentence because everyone else is listening to the girl who just cut me off.

I love softball and I don't want to quit it. This might be a bump in the road and things will be different next year, but I don't know what to do until then.

Usually when I have a post like this, I try to leave advice at the end of it in case one of you are going through the same thing that I am, but I can't do it this time.

I'm lost.

I don't know how to fix this, I don't know what to do or what to think or what to say, I don't know how to change this or how to stop feeling bad for being on my own softball team.

I'm sorry if this bummed you out as you read it, I know it bummed me out to write it.

I didn't know who to turn to with my thoughts so I thought that my blog and my amazing readers would be the best place to go.

If any of you have a piece of advice for this situation, I'd love to hear it. I hope that I'm one of the only ones who's going through this because I know how awful it feels and I wouldn't want anyone else to feel this way.

Someday I'll be spending my time with people who will listen to me and who will care about what I have to say.

I just have to wait until then, I guess.


One More Girl, no longer online