Battle Hard

Well I just got back home tonight after a 12+ hour ride home from a softball tournament and it wasn't too bad.

We ended up coming fourth out of nine teams and we weren't disappointed by it, but I can't say that we were over the moon about it either.

Still having a bit of a bad ankle, I only played half of every game, so I think I played a total of 2 or 2 and a half games. I understood why, so I was alright with it.

As some of you may know, I wasn't the closest with my teammates.

Some of them, I got along with just fine, others I felt as though they never wanted me on the team to begin with.

I felt really lost and didn't feel as though I was viewed as the other girls on the team, I felt like the joke of the team and it got me down.

Going into this last tournament, I was a little nervous to be with my own team, but I never said anything.

I tried to stay out of the other girls way, I did my thing and I let them do theirs, so in a way I was alone, but I was also content with it at the same time.

There are a few tight-knitted groups in my softball team and it was especially hard for one of them because one girl is moving to the other side of the country for the first semester of school.

Two girls got the idea of making her a shirt with her name and number in the back with a softball on the front and have everyone on the team sign the front of it with a little message for her.

It was a really sweet idea and everyone got in on it.

We all signed the shirt and it was given to her after our second last game.

She teared up and "You guys are a great family," and went to hug the girls who made the shirt for her.

She called us her family.

In the end, just because I didn't feel as though that I belonged doesn't mean that that's how everyone else felt.

Just like a softball game when you're down by one run with two outs and a runner on third and second who can either tie the game or win it for you, you have to battle through.

You have to battle through to the last little bit because it might be worth it. Even if it's not, you'll know that you gave it everything you could.

If you feel alone, there's never any shame in talking about it, but most people tend to battle through that feeling in the end, trying not to let anyone know how they feel.

Yes, we'll try and battle our emotions, but what we should always battle are the things making us feel down.

I know that this is said often; but battle through the bad times for the better times ahead. It'll be worth it.


One More Girl, no longer online

Details And Base Layer

They say that detail is key, and to an extent, it's true. However, I feel as though that in most cases, it's false.

I've never been great at remembering things; you can ask me what I had for breakfast yesterday and I would have to think about it or I wouldn't be able to answer you. I've often forgotten about projects and schoolwork and more. 

I guess you could say I have a little bit of a scattered brain.

Anyway, this weekend I had away at a softball tournament that was quite a drive.

The drive was worth it though because we went undefeated and went home with the gold.

My thoughts about the quote from above started to come into perspective for me when a girl on my team, on the second day of the tournament, was talking about an amazing play that happened on the first day and I couldn't even remember the play itself. Hell, I can't even remember all of the plays that happened today.

I'm not sure if that's happened to other people in their own case scenarios or if it was just me who happened to forget that, but it was a little bit of a shock.

Once I made that connection, I started to think of what I remembered from so long ago.

I was coming up empty handed; I could remember what titles we had won in what year (for the most part), but then again I have medals with those dates and titles on them back home. I can remember my milestones in softball, but for some of them I had to sit back and think about them.

I started to feel bad about it, then I realized that I shouldn't.

I'm not going to remember how many home runs I've hit, I'm not going to remember what teams we beat or lost to, and I'm not going to remember the amazing plays my teammates or I made.

I'm going to remember the people I grew up playing against, I'm going to remember my teammates, I'm going to remember the late night talks in someone's hotel rooms while the parents (mainly the dads) are drinking beer in another room and watching a baseball game on TV, I'm going to remember running into a teammate at a random gas station on the way to a tournament that's across the country, I'm going to remember joking around with my dad on the long drives and I'm going remember all the laughs and how much fun I've had with them.

The first thing you need in softball are teammates. The details would be the plays and the home runs that've been hit, but in reality, those aren't important at all once the game is over. 

Yesterday's home run won't win today's game.

Your teammates aren't the detail, yet they're the key. Teammates are the people you spend all your time with, that you grow up with and learn along side. They're your base layer and the people keep you grounded and ready for anything.

I went to Disney World when I was five years old and the only thing I can remember from it was always pretending to be asleep so that my dad would carry me back to the hotel room. I know that many kids do that, but I think the main reason I remember that is because I did it every night and it would always be my dad who carried me back.

My dad has always been the one to be involved with my softball. Some might think "Well, one parent has to be," but he goes the extra mile. He helps out with practices and will do score keeping for every single game.

No one is making him do it, he's purely doing it because he can and he wants to be involved with what I do.

I'm not going to remember the scores of games, but I'm going to remember the fact that it's always been my dad writing them down and I can't thank him enough for that. I appreciate everything he's done for my softball and I don't think I say it enough.

As much as this is my own reminder to thank my dad for everything he's done, this can also be your reminder that although it's okay to remember all the little things about something, don't ever forget the base layer to it because that's what's going to be the first thing you remember in a few years time.

One More Girl, no longer online.

Anxiety Attack And Amazing Teammates

Whenever I'm in a tight situation, I usually work myself up.

I can work myself up over the smallest details and make those small details seem like the biggest life changing events.

It's fair to say that I feel anxious a lot and sometimes, that feeling of anxiety gets to be too much.

Although panic attacks and anxiety attacks are quite similar, there are a few difference.

An anxiety attack is often the reaction of a stressor. It's like you're at the peak of a roller coaster ride, seeing the big drop ahead of you. With anxiety attacks, you may feel fearful or apprehensive. Your heart could start to race, you may feel short of breath, but anxiety attacks tend to be short lived. When the stressor, meaning if the event that is causing the stressor goes away or you yourself physically remove yourself from the situation, you can get the anxiety attack under control.

Panic attacks don't come in reaction with a stressor. They tend to be unprovoked and unpredictable. During one, the person could be seized with terror, fear or apprehensive. The person having the attack could feel as if they're going to die, lose control or have a heart attack. Symptoms of a panic attack are chest pains, shortness of breath, dizziness and nausea.

After explaining both of those, I can say that I've experienced both of them.

I was away at a softball tournament this weekend when I had an anxiety attack.

We were playing a game to go to the gold medal championship game and I was doing terrible.

The anxiety started at the start of the tournament. I didn't hit at all, so that made me start to panic a little bit. We were pretty tight on the score board, we were only ahead by three runs and I failed two of the most important plays I had the whole weekend.

I was playing first base and I missed the first ball for an easy out and I let one go by in the dirt. At one point, I had the ball and a girl was running to home, but I waited too long to throw the ball and she was safe. I was supposed to go to first base the next inning also, but my coach switched me out. I can't blame him, he just wanted the best for the team.

I, however, felt as if I let the whole team down.

I couldn't do anything right, how could they even say good job to the person who let the run in?

I sat on the bench and one girl noticed I was being hard on myself and looked upset, so she made sure I was okay.

At that point, I was still trying I choke everything down. She sat in the bench not too far from me, but I kept working myself up because I knew that I had to go bat and I didn't hit at all this tournament.

The girl who made sure I was okay looked over at me, and before I knew it, I snapped.

I felt a ball in my throat and my stomach. I felt as if I was going to be sick, I couldn't breath properly, my heart felt as if it was pounding in my chest.

The girl came over and just sat in front of me and told me to breath while patting my leg. There were two other girls sitting next to me, but they didn't say anything. They just also wanted to make sure I was okay.

The girl stayed with me until I was able to calm myself down and she was a big help. She told me that she knew what it was like, so whether the fact that she's experienced them herself or has a friend who has anxiety or panic attacks is unknown to me.

She had to go up to bat, so she asked the two other girls to watch over me in a nice way. They didn't ask why it happened, what caused it, they didn't asked anything about what just happened. They simply asked if I was okay it or if I needed anything.

Needless to say, I was slightly ashamed that my teammates saw that, I never wanted any of them to know that I experience anxiety attacks, but in the end they found out. They didn't care, they didn't mock me. They did what teammates do and they helped me and I couldn't be more grateful then that.

Once I got back on my feet, I walked to the other end of the dugout and one girl who must've saw what was happening also asked if I was alright. Once again, she didn't ask what happened, why it happened or what that was, but she only asked if I was doing alright.

I just want to say that just because that's my story, that doesn't mean that it's everyone else's.

If you know someone who's having an anxiety or panic attack, there's many ways to help, but it will all depend on the person.

• Some people won't mind if you touch them, but for others it might make the situation worse. Always ask them before you touch them in any way.

• Don't think about what you would like done in that situation, but focus on what the person having the attack needs.

• If they ask for some space, give it to them. It's absolutely nothing to be offended about. Some people deal with them on their own and have their own way of calming themselves down, but they might feel the need to be alone for it. If they ask you to leave, you can still keep an eye on them! Don't feel as if they don't want you around because that just not be what they need at the moment.

• Ask them before you bring someone else to the situation. I know myself that I hate attention on me, especially if it's when I have an attack, so if you want to bring someone else in to help them, always ask them. Say something like "Hey, is it okay if ______ comes over here?" If they can't talk, the person might nod or shake their head. If they don't give you a reply, it would probably be best to take it as a no.

The information I received for the differences between a panic and anxiety attack is from a health website, but the bullet points are from my own person experiences.

This was a little personal for me to write about, but I hope that at least one of you will be able to take something away from it.

To all those who have anxiety or experience panic attacks and don't want to leave a comment or feel as if you dot have anyone to talk to about this, you can always send me an email at onemoregirlonline@gmail.com and I'll be there for you.

In the end, my team went undefeated at the tournament and went home with the gold and I found out just how truly amazing my teammates are.


One More Girl, no longer online