Battle Hard

Well I just got back home tonight after a 12+ hour ride home from a softball tournament and it wasn't too bad.

We ended up coming fourth out of nine teams and we weren't disappointed by it, but I can't say that we were over the moon about it either.

Still having a bit of a bad ankle, I only played half of every game, so I think I played a total of 2 or 2 and a half games. I understood why, so I was alright with it.

As some of you may know, I wasn't the closest with my teammates.

Some of them, I got along with just fine, others I felt as though they never wanted me on the team to begin with.

I felt really lost and didn't feel as though I was viewed as the other girls on the team, I felt like the joke of the team and it got me down.

Going into this last tournament, I was a little nervous to be with my own team, but I never said anything.

I tried to stay out of the other girls way, I did my thing and I let them do theirs, so in a way I was alone, but I was also content with it at the same time.

There are a few tight-knitted groups in my softball team and it was especially hard for one of them because one girl is moving to the other side of the country for the first semester of school.

Two girls got the idea of making her a shirt with her name and number in the back with a softball on the front and have everyone on the team sign the front of it with a little message for her.

It was a really sweet idea and everyone got in on it.

We all signed the shirt and it was given to her after our second last game.

She teared up and "You guys are a great family," and went to hug the girls who made the shirt for her.

She called us her family.

In the end, just because I didn't feel as though that I belonged doesn't mean that that's how everyone else felt.

Just like a softball game when you're down by one run with two outs and a runner on third and second who can either tie the game or win it for you, you have to battle through.

You have to battle through to the last little bit because it might be worth it. Even if it's not, you'll know that you gave it everything you could.

If you feel alone, there's never any shame in talking about it, but most people tend to battle through that feeling in the end, trying not to let anyone know how they feel.

Yes, we'll try and battle our emotions, but what we should always battle are the things making us feel down.

I know that this is said often; but battle through the bad times for the better times ahead. It'll be worth it.


One More Girl, no longer online

Don't Apologize For Who You Are

This is something a little new for me seeing as I'm writing this post from a hotel room and not at my desk in my room at home. It's something new and interesting, but I don't think it'll happen often.

Anyway, you all might be wondering as to why I'm writing my post from a hotel room, and the reason to that is because I'm currently away for my last softball tournament of the year, also known as the biggest softball tournament of the year.

From home to where I'm currently at, this has been the farthest distance we've ever gone for softball and it's quite the experience. It's not so much a culture shock, but for the traveling and the people we meet, it's all quite different.

However, there is a big culture shock to everyone else on my team.

We're currently in a city that mainly speaks French. I have no problem with this at all seeing as I'm bilingual with both French and English, but everyone is having a little bit of a difficult time at some points. 

It's not too difficult for them seeings as most people we deal with here are also bilingual, but sometimes the accent is too strong or the English of someone from here is too broken up.

I haven't had the chance to hear the experiences of the girls on my team because most of them have only arrived tonight, but I've been helping out the girl on my team that I've been traveling with.

I've been speaking French to the locals and I've been enjoying it. Their French is different from my French, so it's pretty amazing to listen to a different dialect of the same language. It doesn't make it more difficult to understand them, it's just a small but noticeable difference which is really neat.

Tonight I went out for a team supper with the majority of the girls on my team and it was alright. Service was a little slow, but that was expected with 14 people in one party.

I was the last one to order my drink and food, but when I did, I told the waitress my order in French.

She didn't mind at all and went to go bring our orders to the kitchen.

One girl on my team said "You don't have to order in French, they also speak English." I responded with "Yeah, I guess you're right," and shook it off.

She wasn't right, though. in fact, she was wrong.

Her telling me to speak English when I grew up bilingual to someone who grew up with French as their first language was wrong.

It was wrong, but I apologized for it.

I was apologizing for being myself.

I can speak French, I started to learn it at a young age and I'm proud of it. 

On my team, my dad helps out with the coaching at times and I will speak to him in French. On a few different occasions, I've heard some of the girls mumbling to each other that we should speak English.

I understand that it can be uncomfortable for people to be around other people speaking a language that they don't understand, but it's what the world is.

The world is made up of so many different traditions, cultures, languages, and so much more, but people are on most occasions too afraid to learn about them.

Yes, I'll speak French in an English environment and I'm proud of it. Just because you don't understand the deeper meaning it has to me and why I hold my French so close to me doesn't matter to me, but you should never put me down for it.

No one should ever put you down for what you hold close to you, whether its a passion, a language, a tradition, a culture and so on.

All of those little things make up who you are and apologizing for a single one of them is like apologizing for who you are.

No one should ever put you down for being who you are. If they don't understand something, you can always try to explain it, but if they don't want to bother with that, then that's there problem.

They can live the rest of their life not understand something that's part of who you are and that's their problem.

Be proud of every single little part of you because it's the only person you know you'll be with for the rest of your life. 

Stand tall, be proud and be you.


One More Girl, no longer online

Things Change

I wrote my post Anxiety Attack and Amazing Teammates back in May and a lot has changed since then.

When I had my anxiety attack on the bench, the two girls who really helped me through it have now left my team.

They decided that they wanted to play in an older age division, so the left.

I'm happy for them if they're happy with their new team, I can understand wanting to change for the reasons that they did and I'm not upset at all by their decision.

I guess I'm a little sad about it because they were two of the nicest girls on the team and I will miss them.

We've had to move on as a team even after they left, so practice continued as did games and tournaments.

Over this weekend was the first tournament we played without those two girls.

When we arrived at the hotel we were all staying at Friday night, all the girls came into my room.

Usually what happens is that we break up into a group of a few girls and spread out through the rooms and usually we never hang out in mine, but this time around I had all the girls but one in my room for a total of eleven girls.

It was loud at times, but it was pretty fun. I thought it got off to a good start, I was feeling like it was going to be a good weekend.

I was wrong.

We went on and played well. We ended up winning two games and losing two games, so that was that. No metal this time around, but I was okay with that. It wasn't the games that I had a problem with.

It was my teammates.

I've never been the favourite of the team, I know that. I've never been the one that my teammates really strike up a conversation with, but I guess I'm okay with that.

Even though the girls spent Friday night in my room, I could barely get anything I wanted to say out, even with all the different conversations coming up, I couldn't get into any of them.

Things didn't change once we were at the field.

I was often cut off, often had a girl I was talking to turn their back on me in the middle of a sentence and start up a new conversation with someone else.

I can't lie, it sucked.

During today's game, I was talking to one girl's of something when we were in the dugout and I had two others turn to me and tell me to be quiet.

Usually, I don't talk bad about the other teams that we play at all, but this team was complaining about the way I played first base and I could hear them because they were in the first base dugout.

I was telling the same girl on my team that I was trying to talk to earlier how I could hear them say that I was doing something wrong when we both knew that I wasn't and that I had one girl push me out of the way, but the two girls from before who told me to stop talking also told me to stop talking like that and that I should stop.

That's coming from one of the girls that constantly insults the other teams that we play to us (her own team), curses when she gets out and insults the other players to us with either racist or ageist comments.

I didn't know what to think.

There's one girl on the team who will jokingly say things such as "If you hit me with the ball, I'll be mad," or "Ew, it's you," but now I'm scared that she's not actually joking.

Not everyone will like you in life and I get that, but it hurts.

People know what it's like to experience that feeling that everyone around you hates you and that you're not accepted, so why do they make other people feel that way?

I'm finally admitting that I don't feel comfortable on my softball team that I've played for for about eight years now. I don't feel welcomed on my team anymore.

Is it that they hate me because I talk loudly? I'm used to having to raise my voice while with them to be heard by someone. I don't mean to be loud, I'm just tired of having to trail off with my sentence because everyone else is listening to the girl who just cut me off.

I love softball and I don't want to quit it. This might be a bump in the road and things will be different next year, but I don't know what to do until then.

Usually when I have a post like this, I try to leave advice at the end of it in case one of you are going through the same thing that I am, but I can't do it this time.

I'm lost.

I don't know how to fix this, I don't know what to do or what to think or what to say, I don't know how to change this or how to stop feeling bad for being on my own softball team.

I'm sorry if this bummed you out as you read it, I know it bummed me out to write it.

I didn't know who to turn to with my thoughts so I thought that my blog and my amazing readers would be the best place to go.

If any of you have a piece of advice for this situation, I'd love to hear it. I hope that I'm one of the only ones who's going through this because I know how awful it feels and I wouldn't want anyone else to feel this way.

Someday I'll be spending my time with people who will listen to me and who will care about what I have to say.

I just have to wait until then, I guess.


One More Girl, no longer online

Details And Base Layer

They say that detail is key, and to an extent, it's true. However, I feel as though that in most cases, it's false.

I've never been great at remembering things; you can ask me what I had for breakfast yesterday and I would have to think about it or I wouldn't be able to answer you. I've often forgotten about projects and schoolwork and more. 

I guess you could say I have a little bit of a scattered brain.

Anyway, this weekend I had away at a softball tournament that was quite a drive.

The drive was worth it though because we went undefeated and went home with the gold.

My thoughts about the quote from above started to come into perspective for me when a girl on my team, on the second day of the tournament, was talking about an amazing play that happened on the first day and I couldn't even remember the play itself. Hell, I can't even remember all of the plays that happened today.

I'm not sure if that's happened to other people in their own case scenarios or if it was just me who happened to forget that, but it was a little bit of a shock.

Once I made that connection, I started to think of what I remembered from so long ago.

I was coming up empty handed; I could remember what titles we had won in what year (for the most part), but then again I have medals with those dates and titles on them back home. I can remember my milestones in softball, but for some of them I had to sit back and think about them.

I started to feel bad about it, then I realized that I shouldn't.

I'm not going to remember how many home runs I've hit, I'm not going to remember what teams we beat or lost to, and I'm not going to remember the amazing plays my teammates or I made.

I'm going to remember the people I grew up playing against, I'm going to remember my teammates, I'm going to remember the late night talks in someone's hotel rooms while the parents (mainly the dads) are drinking beer in another room and watching a baseball game on TV, I'm going to remember running into a teammate at a random gas station on the way to a tournament that's across the country, I'm going to remember joking around with my dad on the long drives and I'm going remember all the laughs and how much fun I've had with them.

The first thing you need in softball are teammates. The details would be the plays and the home runs that've been hit, but in reality, those aren't important at all once the game is over. 

Yesterday's home run won't win today's game.

Your teammates aren't the detail, yet they're the key. Teammates are the people you spend all your time with, that you grow up with and learn along side. They're your base layer and the people keep you grounded and ready for anything.

I went to Disney World when I was five years old and the only thing I can remember from it was always pretending to be asleep so that my dad would carry me back to the hotel room. I know that many kids do that, but I think the main reason I remember that is because I did it every night and it would always be my dad who carried me back.

My dad has always been the one to be involved with my softball. Some might think "Well, one parent has to be," but he goes the extra mile. He helps out with practices and will do score keeping for every single game.

No one is making him do it, he's purely doing it because he can and he wants to be involved with what I do.

I'm not going to remember the scores of games, but I'm going to remember the fact that it's always been my dad writing them down and I can't thank him enough for that. I appreciate everything he's done for my softball and I don't think I say it enough.

As much as this is my own reminder to thank my dad for everything he's done, this can also be your reminder that although it's okay to remember all the little things about something, don't ever forget the base layer to it because that's what's going to be the first thing you remember in a few years time.

One More Girl, no longer online.

Anxiety Attack And Amazing Teammates

Whenever I'm in a tight situation, I usually work myself up.

I can work myself up over the smallest details and make those small details seem like the biggest life changing events.

It's fair to say that I feel anxious a lot and sometimes, that feeling of anxiety gets to be too much.

Although panic attacks and anxiety attacks are quite similar, there are a few difference.

An anxiety attack is often the reaction of a stressor. It's like you're at the peak of a roller coaster ride, seeing the big drop ahead of you. With anxiety attacks, you may feel fearful or apprehensive. Your heart could start to race, you may feel short of breath, but anxiety attacks tend to be short lived. When the stressor, meaning if the event that is causing the stressor goes away or you yourself physically remove yourself from the situation, you can get the anxiety attack under control.

Panic attacks don't come in reaction with a stressor. They tend to be unprovoked and unpredictable. During one, the person could be seized with terror, fear or apprehensive. The person having the attack could feel as if they're going to die, lose control or have a heart attack. Symptoms of a panic attack are chest pains, shortness of breath, dizziness and nausea.

After explaining both of those, I can say that I've experienced both of them.

I was away at a softball tournament this weekend when I had an anxiety attack.

We were playing a game to go to the gold medal championship game and I was doing terrible.

The anxiety started at the start of the tournament. I didn't hit at all, so that made me start to panic a little bit. We were pretty tight on the score board, we were only ahead by three runs and I failed two of the most important plays I had the whole weekend.

I was playing first base and I missed the first ball for an easy out and I let one go by in the dirt. At one point, I had the ball and a girl was running to home, but I waited too long to throw the ball and she was safe. I was supposed to go to first base the next inning also, but my coach switched me out. I can't blame him, he just wanted the best for the team.

I, however, felt as if I let the whole team down.

I couldn't do anything right, how could they even say good job to the person who let the run in?

I sat on the bench and one girl noticed I was being hard on myself and looked upset, so she made sure I was okay.

At that point, I was still trying I choke everything down. She sat in the bench not too far from me, but I kept working myself up because I knew that I had to go bat and I didn't hit at all this tournament.

The girl who made sure I was okay looked over at me, and before I knew it, I snapped.

I felt a ball in my throat and my stomach. I felt as if I was going to be sick, I couldn't breath properly, my heart felt as if it was pounding in my chest.

The girl came over and just sat in front of me and told me to breath while patting my leg. There were two other girls sitting next to me, but they didn't say anything. They just also wanted to make sure I was okay.

The girl stayed with me until I was able to calm myself down and she was a big help. She told me that she knew what it was like, so whether the fact that she's experienced them herself or has a friend who has anxiety or panic attacks is unknown to me.

She had to go up to bat, so she asked the two other girls to watch over me in a nice way. They didn't ask why it happened, what caused it, they didn't asked anything about what just happened. They simply asked if I was okay it or if I needed anything.

Needless to say, I was slightly ashamed that my teammates saw that, I never wanted any of them to know that I experience anxiety attacks, but in the end they found out. They didn't care, they didn't mock me. They did what teammates do and they helped me and I couldn't be more grateful then that.

Once I got back on my feet, I walked to the other end of the dugout and one girl who must've saw what was happening also asked if I was alright. Once again, she didn't ask what happened, why it happened or what that was, but she only asked if I was doing alright.

I just want to say that just because that's my story, that doesn't mean that it's everyone else's.

If you know someone who's having an anxiety or panic attack, there's many ways to help, but it will all depend on the person.

• Some people won't mind if you touch them, but for others it might make the situation worse. Always ask them before you touch them in any way.

• Don't think about what you would like done in that situation, but focus on what the person having the attack needs.

• If they ask for some space, give it to them. It's absolutely nothing to be offended about. Some people deal with them on their own and have their own way of calming themselves down, but they might feel the need to be alone for it. If they ask you to leave, you can still keep an eye on them! Don't feel as if they don't want you around because that just not be what they need at the moment.

• Ask them before you bring someone else to the situation. I know myself that I hate attention on me, especially if it's when I have an attack, so if you want to bring someone else in to help them, always ask them. Say something like "Hey, is it okay if ______ comes over here?" If they can't talk, the person might nod or shake their head. If they don't give you a reply, it would probably be best to take it as a no.

The information I received for the differences between a panic and anxiety attack is from a health website, but the bullet points are from my own person experiences.

This was a little personal for me to write about, but I hope that at least one of you will be able to take something away from it.

To all those who have anxiety or experience panic attacks and don't want to leave a comment or feel as if you dot have anyone to talk to about this, you can always send me an email at onemoregirlonline@gmail.com and I'll be there for you.

In the end, my team went undefeated at the tournament and went home with the gold and I found out just how truly amazing my teammates are.


One More Girl, no longer online