Things Change

I wrote my post Anxiety Attack and Amazing Teammates back in May and a lot has changed since then.

When I had my anxiety attack on the bench, the two girls who really helped me through it have now left my team.

They decided that they wanted to play in an older age division, so the left.

I'm happy for them if they're happy with their new team, I can understand wanting to change for the reasons that they did and I'm not upset at all by their decision.

I guess I'm a little sad about it because they were two of the nicest girls on the team and I will miss them.

We've had to move on as a team even after they left, so practice continued as did games and tournaments.

Over this weekend was the first tournament we played without those two girls.

When we arrived at the hotel we were all staying at Friday night, all the girls came into my room.

Usually what happens is that we break up into a group of a few girls and spread out through the rooms and usually we never hang out in mine, but this time around I had all the girls but one in my room for a total of eleven girls.

It was loud at times, but it was pretty fun. I thought it got off to a good start, I was feeling like it was going to be a good weekend.

I was wrong.

We went on and played well. We ended up winning two games and losing two games, so that was that. No metal this time around, but I was okay with that. It wasn't the games that I had a problem with.

It was my teammates.

I've never been the favourite of the team, I know that. I've never been the one that my teammates really strike up a conversation with, but I guess I'm okay with that.

Even though the girls spent Friday night in my room, I could barely get anything I wanted to say out, even with all the different conversations coming up, I couldn't get into any of them.

Things didn't change once we were at the field.

I was often cut off, often had a girl I was talking to turn their back on me in the middle of a sentence and start up a new conversation with someone else.

I can't lie, it sucked.

During today's game, I was talking to one girl's of something when we were in the dugout and I had two others turn to me and tell me to be quiet.

Usually, I don't talk bad about the other teams that we play at all, but this team was complaining about the way I played first base and I could hear them because they were in the first base dugout.

I was telling the same girl on my team that I was trying to talk to earlier how I could hear them say that I was doing something wrong when we both knew that I wasn't and that I had one girl push me out of the way, but the two girls from before who told me to stop talking also told me to stop talking like that and that I should stop.

That's coming from one of the girls that constantly insults the other teams that we play to us (her own team), curses when she gets out and insults the other players to us with either racist or ageist comments.

I didn't know what to think.

There's one girl on the team who will jokingly say things such as "If you hit me with the ball, I'll be mad," or "Ew, it's you," but now I'm scared that she's not actually joking.

Not everyone will like you in life and I get that, but it hurts.

People know what it's like to experience that feeling that everyone around you hates you and that you're not accepted, so why do they make other people feel that way?

I'm finally admitting that I don't feel comfortable on my softball team that I've played for for about eight years now. I don't feel welcomed on my team anymore.

Is it that they hate me because I talk loudly? I'm used to having to raise my voice while with them to be heard by someone. I don't mean to be loud, I'm just tired of having to trail off with my sentence because everyone else is listening to the girl who just cut me off.

I love softball and I don't want to quit it. This might be a bump in the road and things will be different next year, but I don't know what to do until then.

Usually when I have a post like this, I try to leave advice at the end of it in case one of you are going through the same thing that I am, but I can't do it this time.

I'm lost.

I don't know how to fix this, I don't know what to do or what to think or what to say, I don't know how to change this or how to stop feeling bad for being on my own softball team.

I'm sorry if this bummed you out as you read it, I know it bummed me out to write it.

I didn't know who to turn to with my thoughts so I thought that my blog and my amazing readers would be the best place to go.

If any of you have a piece of advice for this situation, I'd love to hear it. I hope that I'm one of the only ones who's going through this because I know how awful it feels and I wouldn't want anyone else to feel this way.

Someday I'll be spending my time with people who will listen to me and who will care about what I have to say.

I just have to wait until then, I guess.


One More Girl, no longer online

Anxiety Attack And Amazing Teammates

Whenever I'm in a tight situation, I usually work myself up.

I can work myself up over the smallest details and make those small details seem like the biggest life changing events.

It's fair to say that I feel anxious a lot and sometimes, that feeling of anxiety gets to be too much.

Although panic attacks and anxiety attacks are quite similar, there are a few difference.

An anxiety attack is often the reaction of a stressor. It's like you're at the peak of a roller coaster ride, seeing the big drop ahead of you. With anxiety attacks, you may feel fearful or apprehensive. Your heart could start to race, you may feel short of breath, but anxiety attacks tend to be short lived. When the stressor, meaning if the event that is causing the stressor goes away or you yourself physically remove yourself from the situation, you can get the anxiety attack under control.

Panic attacks don't come in reaction with a stressor. They tend to be unprovoked and unpredictable. During one, the person could be seized with terror, fear or apprehensive. The person having the attack could feel as if they're going to die, lose control or have a heart attack. Symptoms of a panic attack are chest pains, shortness of breath, dizziness and nausea.

After explaining both of those, I can say that I've experienced both of them.

I was away at a softball tournament this weekend when I had an anxiety attack.

We were playing a game to go to the gold medal championship game and I was doing terrible.

The anxiety started at the start of the tournament. I didn't hit at all, so that made me start to panic a little bit. We were pretty tight on the score board, we were only ahead by three runs and I failed two of the most important plays I had the whole weekend.

I was playing first base and I missed the first ball for an easy out and I let one go by in the dirt. At one point, I had the ball and a girl was running to home, but I waited too long to throw the ball and she was safe. I was supposed to go to first base the next inning also, but my coach switched me out. I can't blame him, he just wanted the best for the team.

I, however, felt as if I let the whole team down.

I couldn't do anything right, how could they even say good job to the person who let the run in?

I sat on the bench and one girl noticed I was being hard on myself and looked upset, so she made sure I was okay.

At that point, I was still trying I choke everything down. She sat in the bench not too far from me, but I kept working myself up because I knew that I had to go bat and I didn't hit at all this tournament.

The girl who made sure I was okay looked over at me, and before I knew it, I snapped.

I felt a ball in my throat and my stomach. I felt as if I was going to be sick, I couldn't breath properly, my heart felt as if it was pounding in my chest.

The girl came over and just sat in front of me and told me to breath while patting my leg. There were two other girls sitting next to me, but they didn't say anything. They just also wanted to make sure I was okay.

The girl stayed with me until I was able to calm myself down and she was a big help. She told me that she knew what it was like, so whether the fact that she's experienced them herself or has a friend who has anxiety or panic attacks is unknown to me.

She had to go up to bat, so she asked the two other girls to watch over me in a nice way. They didn't ask why it happened, what caused it, they didn't asked anything about what just happened. They simply asked if I was okay it or if I needed anything.

Needless to say, I was slightly ashamed that my teammates saw that, I never wanted any of them to know that I experience anxiety attacks, but in the end they found out. They didn't care, they didn't mock me. They did what teammates do and they helped me and I couldn't be more grateful then that.

Once I got back on my feet, I walked to the other end of the dugout and one girl who must've saw what was happening also asked if I was alright. Once again, she didn't ask what happened, why it happened or what that was, but she only asked if I was doing alright.

I just want to say that just because that's my story, that doesn't mean that it's everyone else's.

If you know someone who's having an anxiety or panic attack, there's many ways to help, but it will all depend on the person.

• Some people won't mind if you touch them, but for others it might make the situation worse. Always ask them before you touch them in any way.

• Don't think about what you would like done in that situation, but focus on what the person having the attack needs.

• If they ask for some space, give it to them. It's absolutely nothing to be offended about. Some people deal with them on their own and have their own way of calming themselves down, but they might feel the need to be alone for it. If they ask you to leave, you can still keep an eye on them! Don't feel as if they don't want you around because that just not be what they need at the moment.

• Ask them before you bring someone else to the situation. I know myself that I hate attention on me, especially if it's when I have an attack, so if you want to bring someone else in to help them, always ask them. Say something like "Hey, is it okay if ______ comes over here?" If they can't talk, the person might nod or shake their head. If they don't give you a reply, it would probably be best to take it as a no.

The information I received for the differences between a panic and anxiety attack is from a health website, but the bullet points are from my own person experiences.

This was a little personal for me to write about, but I hope that at least one of you will be able to take something away from it.

To all those who have anxiety or experience panic attacks and don't want to leave a comment or feel as if you dot have anyone to talk to about this, you can always send me an email at onemoregirlonline@gmail.com and I'll be there for you.

In the end, my team went undefeated at the tournament and went home with the gold and I found out just how truly amazing my teammates are.


One More Girl, no longer online

Bumps In The Road

This afternoon, I went to the doctors and I heard the words that I was terrified to hear, yet deep down, I knew that they were coming.

At the moment, I'm still having trouble processing it all, so I don't feel up to opening about all of that quite yet, but maybe a little later on in the future I'll be open to talking about it.

Tonight's post is going to be a short one that's going to be a reminder for myself in the future, and maybe it could be one for you right now.

They say that life's a journey and you never know what to expect on that journey, and I learnt a little more about that with today.

For a journey, I assume that you need some sort of transport and grounds to get across.

For me, I see life as a dirt road.

It's a dirt road because some parts are as smooth as ever, others are a little patchy yet still manageable, and others are extremely rough, not necessarily in that order and on a constant loop.

I'm currently in the extremely rough part of that long dirt road, and all I can say for anyone else that might also be on that part of the road is that it may not look like it, but there will be a smooth part coming up.

Trust me, I know what it's like to see a rough part of the road for ages, but everything comes to an end at some point, right? No, sadly I can't say whether that the smooth part is coming up in a few minutes or in a few days, I can't tell you when it is, but I can promise that it's waiting to greet you.

Although you may feel terribly alone right now or when you but that rough part, you're not alone. That's probably the hardest, yet most important thing to remember. You're not alone, there's always help somewhere and there's always someone looking to support you.

Even if you don't believe it, I'm supporting you. I'm rooting for you to find that smooth part of the road.

I don't know what your current life situation is. I don't know if it might be a little rocky or if it's a smooth ride for awhile, but there's always going to be bumps in the road and you don't have to let it become a mountain for you.

Whatever you have to do, slow it down. There's no point in blowing a tire or damaging your car while trying to speed over the bumps.

What I want for anyone who reads this to take from it is that things do get better, and there's always someone cheering you on, even if you don't see them.


One More Girl, no longer online

So Many People, Yet So Alone

In my first blog post One More Blog On The Internet, I said that I deal with my emotions by covering them up and trying to make them end quickly, and that I tried to maintain a diary although it never worked, and I'm writing on my blog in hope to reach out to other people who feel the same way that I do, sometimes.

Today is more of a diary post type of entry.

I do have a few friends at school, but sometimes, I just hate being around them.

I've never been the "go-to friend", meaning that I was always considered as the less relevant friend. If something really cool or exciting happened to one of my friends, I was never/am never the first to know. Usually, I'm the last to be told or informed of something.

If I get to class and put my stuff down on a desk, I, quite often, have my stuff moved to the end of the row of desks or to a completely different row so that my other friends can talk. I'm usually left on the end, not really invited or necessarily wanted in a conversation. Plans that I'm never invited to join are constantly being made in front of me.

I remember back in December, my girl friends made plans to go dress shopping for a school dance, realized I was there and they said they'd text me about it. It got to the next day and I didn't receive anything, so when my best friend that is apart of another group of friends asked me to go to the mall, I didn't hesitant to say yes. I wasn't going to sit around all day for these girls to text me.

We walked right past the girls that originally said that they were going to text me and the only thing they did was give me a small smile, and they kept on walking. Not even a "Hi," or anything. It's not because they didn't want to spend time with the friend that I ended up going with, because at this rate, they talk to her more often then they talk to me.

Some friends, right?

Whenever I try to tell a story, I'm often talked over and then forgotten or just flat out told that no one cares. I make a small joke and they say it was stupid and carry out a different conversation, yet if someone makes the same joke a little later, everyone laughs.

These are the people that I call my friends, yet I wonder if I should associate myself with them at all.

With all of that said, I am a very eccedentesiast person. I fake smiles, I don't let people know that what they say to me or how they treat me hurts me. I always have this small smile on around them that keeps on getting less and less genuine.

There's undoubtedly this feeling of loneliness even though I'm surrounded by all these people.

If anyone can relate to what I said in the slightest, let's do this together.

Let's talk to more people. Let's talk to someone that we feel comfortable around and someone who makes us feel good about ourselves and that make us genuinely happy to be around.

If you want to do this but are too scared to leave your "old friends", please remember that they do not own you and you don't own them anything. You can do whatever you'd like to do to make yourself happy.

It would be awesome if someone went out to find someone that makes them happy after reading this post because they got inspired and share a little bit of their story in the comments. That way, it's proof to someone else that it's not only one person feeling this way, and that we can all share stories and help one another. I know that I'll share mine when it happens.

I will say that this was something quite personal for me to write about, so I really do hope that there's something you can take away from this.


One More Girl, no longer online