Silent Battles

As some of you may know, I volunteer at an immigration museum, but I haven't been having steady shifts because my schedule is all over the place at the moment, however I was finally able to go in today.

My shift had a quiet start, I started in two of the hands-on stations; one where you can take a little citizenship quiz and another where you can colour a suitcase.The colouring of the suitcase station is mainly for younger kids while parents look around, but sometimes we have teens and parents that join in!

I met some lovely people while at the citizenship table and I also met this family with three adorable little boys of the ages four, two and a half and a baby that I say might've been six/seven/eight months or so.   

I'm not one to usually go out of my way to talk to a stranger as you all know, but it's different in a work environment. I'm not sure why I find myself more outgoing there, but maybe it's because people are interested in what you're saying and are curious. 

I'm not sure what it is, but I love talking to the people who come through the museum because people are visiting the museum from every corner of the world. 

Seeing as it's an immigration museum, we have visitors that have actually immigrated through, what's now known to be, the museum. They love to stop and chat about their experience and where they came from and it's honestly such an amazing thing to hear their stories.

Anyway, after those stations I was then at the information booth alongside a co worker.

The co worker I was with is actually an immigrant herself (not through the museum, however) and today I got to ask her about her learning experience.

Where she grew up, she would learn things and the teachers would go on about how "This is the Belgian way to say it...This is the French way to say it...This is the Canadian way to say it.." so she ended up learning how to say specific things in many different languages and that blew my mind.

I was amazed by that and she went on to teach me how to say a few numbers the Belgic way when she told me that she was tired.

I asked if she was going home after her shift and it's what she told me next that made me admire her even more.

She told me that she never went home after her shift at the museum because she had to go work at one of her other jobs out of three.

She told me what she did and what her hours were and I was...shocked. 

She's working three jobs to pay off her appartment and to put herself through a university course here.

She told me how she wanted to find a cheaper apartment because her current one was starting to be too much for her alone, and she also told me how her current landlords won't do anything for her.

She explained to me that she had a broken window since this winter and they won't come by to fix it and that she's struggling with a rat problem. She's tried many things to get rid of the rats, but it's not working. 

She told that sometimes it got to be too much.

I know that I said "She told me.." many times, but I wasn't quite sure how else to word it besides "She went on.." and to me, that sounds almost negative, but I wanted to listen to her story.

I wanted to listen to her story because I didn't know it.

I didn't know her story and I probably never would've been able to guess it because she always has a smile on her face.

She told me that she was tired yet she kept smiling, she was happy, she was kind, she was energetic, she was friendly, approachable, caring and overall amazing.

I've only known this woman for a little bit, but she has been smiley, happy, kind, energetic, friendly, approachable and caring since the day I met her. I can't imagine how long she's been that way and will continue to be that way.

I never knew that she was struggling with any of that, but she reminded me of something really important.

Everyday, people everywhere are struggling with their own silent battles. We don't know what position the people around us are in, so we should always be kind and not try to make things worse for other people.

If someone needs a reason to be kind, there it is. 

You honestly have no clue about other people's battles until they tell you it themselves.

Although it was sad to hear her story, I have nothing but respect for her. She's just incredible and amazing. I can only hope that someday I'll be as strong as she is.

Silent battles are the ones that take up the most energy and strength, but no one else is aware. It's almost like struggling to swim while all the people around you are holding on to a flotation device but you can't ask for one; maybe because your mouth is underwater or maybe because you don't know if that person needs that flotation device more than you.

In the end, silent battles are the strongest fought battles. You can never know who fought one or who is currently fighting one.

Either way, being kind to someone might make the battle a little easier for them.


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My Life, My Time

Seeing as it's summer, my parents want to see me outside, hanging out with friends and generally being out and about, but that's not necessarily what I want or what can happen at the moment.

Admittedly, I haven't gone out of my way to make plans with friends because I feel as though they're all busy and I don't want to bother them by texting them.

I've also been spending a lot of time at home with the dog, but today my mom reminded me that it is okay if I leave the house for a few hours because my grandmother also goes out and leaves the dog on her own.

After she told me that, I just so happened to be told that I could go out and meet my dad for lunch.

This seems like a perfectly nice offer that any teen stuck at home would've taken because it's a free lunch at a restaurant, how wouldn't want that?

It just wasn't what I wanted today.

I love my parents and with everything that they do for me, I don't mind spending time with them. When my mom told me that I could go, I feel as though she was certain that I was going to say yes.

Honestly, I was a little hesitant but I still went.

I was hesitant because I wasn't hungry for lunch and I was a little tired.

Seeing as though I was on the fence about going, I decided to go anyway.

In the end, I did end up enjoying the lunch and I ate most of what I ordered.

I couldn't help to think that this could be part of the problem.

A little while back, I wrote my post Bad Habits and how you shouldn't be ashamed of them and if you want to overcome one, it will take time.

Another one of my bad habits is to put everyone else's feelings before my own.

When my cousin came up for vacation from New York, she had tickets for us to go to Jazz Fest, but I also happened to have a softball game that night. My dad had to go drop something off at the field, and when he was there, he called me to let me know that my team was down one player and would most likely have to forfeit if I didn't play.

I was torn, not by what I wanted to do, but what I thought everyone else wanted me to do.

I see my cousin for about the time period of one to two weeks per year, I rarely miss any softball practices or games, I would be missing part of an event that my cousin and I were looking forward to for months, my team would lose a game because of me, my cousin payed for these tickets herself, my softball team would be single handedly let down by me.

I had so many thoughts going through my head that I couldn't even think of what I wanted for myself.

My mom told me that I would be upset one way or another, and seeing the time and situation I was in, I decided to go to the concert with my cousin. That didn't stop me from feeling terrible for the first few hours.

With lunch today, I decided to go myself, but I thought that if I didn't go, I'd be disappointing both of my parents.

When I got home, I started to think about things like that more.

In the end, it's my life.

I shouldn't have to spend time doing something or going somewhere that I don't want to go.

If I end up regretting, then all the blame is on me. 

If I'm on the fence about something, I always try and give it a chance because if I don't like it, I can stop whatever I'm doing or leave wherever I was heading to.

If I want to do something or go somewhere, great, I'm all in, but I don't want to spend time from my life doing stuff that I don't enjoy.

I wouldn't be blogging this today if I didn't like writing.

Although I'm still young and I can't have a complete say as to what I do all the time, I'm going to start managing my time better because I'm tired of doing stuff that I don't actually want to do. 

It's my life, I can spend it's time however I want to and I shouldn't feel guilty about it. 

Even if I can't start that now, that's one of my biggest goals for the future.


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Choices

Awhile back ago I had course selection at my school, but now I'm wondering if I should still attend the same school.

Where I live, we have two school boards: the English one and the French one.

I'm currently a student under the French school board, which means that all my classes (besides my English class) are in French. If I graduate from that school, I graduate with two first languages, French and English, and I get a bilingual diploma.

I am insanely proud that I see both languages as first languages. I am so proud of my French background that I want my own kids to also learn it. I hear a lot of adults say that one of their biggest regrets in life was not learning a second language, but here I am, a teen thats fluent in both. 

I'm really lucky to be born into the family I was.

Now my main concern with the French school board is that we're only about 450 students through the grades of 7-12 while at the local English high school they're over 900 students with only 10-12 grade levels. 

If I stay at my French school, I'm not guarantee that classes that I want to take because it all depends on numbers.

I honestly don't have much to hold me back there. In reality, I only have two friends who I see outside of school often, so that wouldn't be a problem. I don't plan on going to a French university, so I guess it's not all that necessary to have both languages as first languages on my diploma.

I'm really considering switching schools, but I have to admit that I'm terrified.

I'm scared of the possibility of losing my French, but I'm a French family. Surely I'll speak it at home. I'm also scared of not knowing anyone there. This one is ridiculous because a few girls on my softball team go there and a lot of the swimmers that I used to swim with also go there.

If I do go to the English school, I can take this test which I believe is called the Delphi test and depending on if you pass it, you receive a certificate or something along those lines saying that you are in fact bilingual. It's not the same as graduating from the French school though because it's not also considered your first language; it's your second.

If I end up not liking the English school, I can always go back to the French one!

There is literally nothing preventing me from going to this school, yet I still scared and I'm not all that sure as to why.

This isn't like going to a new school in a new province or country, but I still have the chance to start over a little bit. Of course people will know me there, but I can change all of my classroom habits.

My worry is all physiological and I know that. I just can't help but feel as though whatever choice I make will be the wrong one.

However, I think I do know why I'm scared.

I have the fear of letting a diploma tell me who I am.

I know that I'm bilingual, I know that both French and English are my first languages. But for some reason, I feel as if that won't be true unless I have it on a diploma.

I have a lot of time to make up my mind on the whole school situation thing for next year, that's not my main concern.

I'm really going to have to focus on me and keeping my values. I have to decide what's more important to me: Graduating with two first languages at a school that doesn't offer all the classes I want to take or going to a school where I can get the classes I want and somewhat having to start all over again.

I know I can keep my French no matter what I decide to do. I just want to make the right choice.


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Being Body Positive

A study by the Dove Self-Esteem Project (DSEP) reveals that 47% of teen girls between the ages of 11 to 14 refuse to take part in activities that will show off their body in any way, such as swimming or performing in front of the school (drama class).

Almost half of the girls that took part of this study have low self esteem. The worst part is that these girls are in the age range of 11 to 14 years old. That's far to young to be worrying about body image, yet sadly, this is what society has come to.

I will admit that I've struggled with self esteem for awhile now. I'll share a little bit about my story and then say how I'm starting to build it back up.

As many others could relate to, I struggle to love certain body parts. I've never loved my stomach, my back or my shoulders. I was never confident about my weight.

When I started going to the gym, I was always uncomfortable because you see all these people walking past you, clearly haven been working out for years. You'd see anything from slim bodies to strong muscles, and yes, I was envious of others.

After a summer of the gym and swim training, I started to notice little changes about my body.

I was slightly slimmer, stronger arm and leg muscles, and so on. Although I was happy with my change...it's almost as if it wasn't enough.

I can't remember where I saw or heard these words, but I'd love to share them. Just know that they're not mine.

In the end, it doesn't matter what your body was like. We all have the same goal: to live life to the fullest and die with no regrets. When we're gone, we aren't remembered by what our bodies looked like, but we're remembered by the things we do and the people we reached out to.

Those words really helped me get through my low self-esteem and is currently still inspiring me everyday.

When you stand in front of the mirror and you start to think about all the things you want, reverse that. 

Start off by saying one thing you love about yourself, whether its body or personality, and build yourself up. Start with one, say another, and another, and another.

If your makeup looks nice on a day, say it to yourself! 
If your hair is how you want it to be, say it!
If your outfit is the nicest thing you'e ever seen, say it!
If you like your eyes, shout it out!
If you love your legs, make sure others know!

It's okay to not be 100% happy with your body right now, but you can build yourself up to that point.

Saying that you like something about yourself, you might not want to come across as vain, but why not? You're loving your body, the only one you will ever get, and I don't think that's a bad thing.

If there is a certain thing you don't like about yourself, there's always a solution. You don't have to think that it's horrible, you can find a solution! Find clothes that flatter your figure, you can dye your hair, you can use nail polish if you don't like your nails, do whatever will make you, and only you happy. Just remember that you don't have to go through drastic measures. 

Now let's say this together:

It's okay to have flaws. I will come to love myself. It might not be soon, but it will happen.

I hope this might of have an impact on you guys as it did for me when I heard those words from before.


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Don't Let Go of Love

Being on a sports' team, something you usually have to do is a fundraiser.

My team was selling raffle tickets over the weekend to win the prize of a one night stay at a hotel and a 100$ gift card to a fancy restaurant in the local area, and the draw for the prize will take place on February 13th, the day before Valentines Day.

During my shift yesterday, an elderly man came by to buy some tickets. He asked what the draw and everything was about, who he was supporting, what the prize was, and all of that typical stuff you expect to hear while trying to sell/raise money for something. At the end of it, I added "Draw date is February 13th, so it's right on time for Valentine's Day!"

He looked me in the eyes with a sad look upon his face and said "Well I lost the love of my life to ovarian cancer back in 1986 (I think that was the year he said, I can't remember that exactly). I did however find someone new, but it's not the same, you know? She's like a best friend to me, and I know that it's someone that she (referring to the love of his life that he lost) would've liked to known her."

I was speechless.

I have lost family members, yes, but to lose the love of your life, your soulmate, your other half, I couldn't imagine what that would be like. 

In Greek mythology, it's believed that humans used to have four arms, four legs, four eyes, two noses, basically double of everything. Zeus was afraid that someday, the humans would be capable of overthrowing the Gods, so he split them all in half, resulting in one half to search for the other. To find their soulmate.

After all of that looking, this man found his other half, was ready to spend the rest of his life with her, but cancer ripped that away from him.

This was just another eye opener for me.

When I lost my grandfather on September 1st 2014, that was hard for me. 

I didn't know how to feel, I didn't know what to do with myself, I didn't know when it was appropriate for me to cry, I didn't know what to do with all of the memories I have of him because I was afraid to lose them, and finally, I didn't know who to talk to about all of this.

"You can't close anyone out now...If anything this is the time to be close with your family. You need them and they need you. Having someone pass in your family shows you that you have to spend time with them and cherish it. You don't know how long the moment will last," is something that one of my friends told me when I confided in them how I felt, and I don't think that statement could be any truer. 

Those two events taught me something.

If you love someone, whether its a family member, a friend, a lover or a role model in your life, make sure you tell them how much you appreciate them or that you love them. You have to hold onto the love you have now, because you never know when it's going to be ripped away from you, or when you might feel those feelings again.

If you have a crush on someone or you have a strong feeling for them, don't play hard to get. Maybe someday, you will just be too hard to get that the person that's chasing after will let you go. 

If you have someone that loves you, I am begging you, grab onto that love with both hands and hold on. Hold on to it for as long as you can and don't ever let it go. Don't let it slip away, because hell, someday it might.

Love is such an amazing thing that we really do take for granted nowadays, but that elderly man with his story was a reminder to me to never let go of love, and I hope you take this post as a reminder.

If you're looking for a reason to tell someone you like them, call up your crush, tell your best friend how you truly feel about them...this is it. 

Don't take love for granted because now, it's a rare thing, so don't let go of the people you love.


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Endless Opportunities

In our last year of school, we're constantly pressured to choose ONE profession for the rest of our lives, encouraged to send in many college/university applications, and most of all, we're told to make something of ourselves.

We don't have to do that.

I am so sick of people telling me what they think is best for me, and I should do with my life. If I don't want to become a doctor, I won't become one. If I want to listen to a specific type of music that makes me happy, I'll do just that. If I don't want to go out during the weekend with friends, how does that affect your life in the long run?

For me, most often of times, it's my teachers and/or parents telling me what I should do, or what my strengths are. Having someone thinking they know what I want to (should) do and myself thinking of what I actually want to do are two very different things.
Wouldn't you think that I would know what I want to do with MY life and what my strengths are? 

We have to make one choice out of a possible 600 or more possibilities of a career choice, and be happy with it for the rest of our lives. How can I start to make a choice like that when I don't even know who I am? They're millions of different choices of what we can do with our lives, and I'm terrified of making the wrong choice. Who wouldn't be?

Freedom is a wonderful thing, because we get to decide what we want to do. We've have complete control over our lives. We're independent minds that can do whatever we can dream of doing

That's my freedom is my biggest fear.

When you come to realize that you have complete control over your life and that you're responsible for your own happiness, it's terrifying because it means that we have to make choices in our life. We have to make choices that could be minor, you completely change our lives forever. We have the freedom to decide what we are doing with our one, terribly short, life.

What if you make the wrong choice?

You don't want to spend the majority of your life doing something you're not even all that passionate about.

If you feel remotely the same, remember that there ARE endless opportunities out there in the world.

I'm not going to say to quit your job, but take a vacation when it becomes too much, go back to school to change to a career that you are passionate about, play video games, listen to music, watch videos online, go for a night out with friends, have a night in with an important someone. Do whatever it takes to make you happy. Do whatever it takes to make you happy now and do what will make you happy in the future. 

With great freedom comes great responsibility. You're responsible for your happiness, so make it count. If you're not happy with something at the moment, there's always an opportunity, a good one, for you in the future. No one deserves to look back on life and to have regrets about not doing something they knew deep down that they always wanted to do but never thought they could achieve. Give it a shot! You have nothing to lose.  

Be sensible about your choices, but make it the best life you can with the goal of being happy. Of course you can't be happy 100% of the time, but you do have rights to feel good about your life and to not have to think that you messed up for a big part of it.

I'm not sure about you guys, but I have one shot at this thing we call life, and I'm going to make it count right until the end.


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So Many People, Yet So Alone

In my first blog post One More Blog On The Internet, I said that I deal with my emotions by covering them up and trying to make them end quickly, and that I tried to maintain a diary although it never worked, and I'm writing on my blog in hope to reach out to other people who feel the same way that I do, sometimes.

Today is more of a diary post type of entry.

I do have a few friends at school, but sometimes, I just hate being around them.

I've never been the "go-to friend", meaning that I was always considered as the less relevant friend. If something really cool or exciting happened to one of my friends, I was never/am never the first to know. Usually, I'm the last to be told or informed of something.

If I get to class and put my stuff down on a desk, I, quite often, have my stuff moved to the end of the row of desks or to a completely different row so that my other friends can talk. I'm usually left on the end, not really invited or necessarily wanted in a conversation. Plans that I'm never invited to join are constantly being made in front of me.

I remember back in December, my girl friends made plans to go dress shopping for a school dance, realized I was there and they said they'd text me about it. It got to the next day and I didn't receive anything, so when my best friend that is apart of another group of friends asked me to go to the mall, I didn't hesitant to say yes. I wasn't going to sit around all day for these girls to text me.

We walked right past the girls that originally said that they were going to text me and the only thing they did was give me a small smile, and they kept on walking. Not even a "Hi," or anything. It's not because they didn't want to spend time with the friend that I ended up going with, because at this rate, they talk to her more often then they talk to me.

Some friends, right?

Whenever I try to tell a story, I'm often talked over and then forgotten or just flat out told that no one cares. I make a small joke and they say it was stupid and carry out a different conversation, yet if someone makes the same joke a little later, everyone laughs.

These are the people that I call my friends, yet I wonder if I should associate myself with them at all.

With all of that said, I am a very eccedentesiast person. I fake smiles, I don't let people know that what they say to me or how they treat me hurts me. I always have this small smile on around them that keeps on getting less and less genuine.

There's undoubtedly this feeling of loneliness even though I'm surrounded by all these people.

If anyone can relate to what I said in the slightest, let's do this together.

Let's talk to more people. Let's talk to someone that we feel comfortable around and someone who makes us feel good about ourselves and that make us genuinely happy to be around.

If you want to do this but are too scared to leave your "old friends", please remember that they do not own you and you don't own them anything. You can do whatever you'd like to do to make yourself happy.

It would be awesome if someone went out to find someone that makes them happy after reading this post because they got inspired and share a little bit of their story in the comments. That way, it's proof to someone else that it's not only one person feeling this way, and that we can all share stories and help one another. I know that I'll share mine when it happens.

I will say that this was something quite personal for me to write about, so I really do hope that there's something you can take away from this.


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Impressing People

As humans, we feel the need to impress people, to make them love us, to be hated by no one, and to leave a legacy of some sort on this earth for years after we're gone.

Why do we all crave this feeling? Why can no one be happy with who they truly are anymore?

We should not be worrying about impressing people, because honestly, the people that are worth impressing deserve to know the true you. As the old saying goes, its better to be loved for who you are then to be loved for someone you're not. We have to stop comparing ourselves to others to be more "impressive". 

If you're trying to impress someone with the intentions of a good friendship or dating them, there's no need to feel like someone you're not to be able to get them to like you back. The right person will come along for the right role, someday.

These days, I feel as though at school, it's a competition for who has the most likes on, Instagram, who has the most followers on Twitter, the most friends on Facebook. Why does it seem like people are competing over stuff like this?

In the long run, it's almost as if they picture life as a race, as in who's the most "loved" by people over social media. 

It's almost as if everyone is in a drawing competition, and everyone is desperate to finish first so that they can say "Look at me! I'm done! I did it!" The truth is, you don't get happiness from finishing first, you get it while drawing something your proud of.

We have to let go of the insane thought about proving to everyone else that we're better in some aspect, and then we could be free to accomplish the dreams we never go the chance to imagine because we were so busy trying to impress others for no reason.

If we break down all the situations that we weren't ourselves because we wanted to impress the people around us that were in our lives for only a certain amount of time, and not for the long run, I can honestly say that I feel like I've wasted a lot of time.

I'm going to change that about my life, and if some of you also decide to do the same, feel free to comment and say how you're going to do so, and we can do this together.

No more impressing people, it's finally time to be me. If people don't like it, to bad. I'll know that hey aren't meant to be a permanent figure in my life.

That's also kind of why I like posting on my blog. I find that because it's anonymous, you know that there's truth to what I'm saying, I'm not making up scenarios in my head because this is the only place I can be myself. I'm not worrying about writing to impress you guys, I'm just writing about something that happened in my life and could be relatable or helpful to someone else.

Let the world see you as who you are. Stand tall, be proud.


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School And Cameras

I've never been one for being in pictures. I would always try and find a way around it, such as stalling for as long as possible, volunteering to take the picture, anything to avoid being in the picture itself.

I love taking pictures, though. As cheesy as it is, I love the idea of a story, a moment or a memory being captured in a single frame for the rest of eternity. Cheesy, I know, but it's true. It's an amazing thing.

Something that I don't think should be allowed is that teachers at schools have the right to decide to put the "No taking pictures at all" rule aside and make us, the students, film ourselves on iPads to record something for the class even though we clearly don't want to be.

Earlier on during the school year, my math teacher wanted us to film ourselves, and whoever else was in our group, reviewing a subject that we learnt and solving a problem that we made up on our own, related to that problem. She also stated that EVERYONE had to be in the video so that everyone could get marked fairly on it, even if you only see a person for a few seconds. Although she didn't say it,she implied that if you didn't talk in the video, you would lose points,

What happened to the no filming/picture rule? Why can teachers defy it? How did other people like me feel, being forced to partake in a video they don't want anything to do with?

I was lucky enough to have a doctors appointment at the exact date and time that I was supposed to be filming this video in math class, so I was able to avoid it.

Although I knew I could manage to avoid it, the idea still of having to do it still bothered me.

Another thing that my school does, it could be described as an end of the year banquet, where some students are recognized for academic achievements or their impact on a sports team.

For that event, the school wants pictures of every student to put in a PowerPoint slideshow, and I remember that last year, there was a teacher in the doorway that would stop the students that they didn't have pictures of. You had to go through that doorway, because it was the only one that lead to the locker area and all the classrooms. She kept stoping students to get a picture, and yes, I was one of them.

I simply refused to have my picture taken and I walked away to no longer be in the camera shot.

This year, they started doing it sooner, so during the math class before we started to film (the one the day before), my math teacher was going around and taking pictures of all the groups.

Once again, I really didn't want to be in a picture, so I got up and moved to the side wile she took the picture.

Because of that, I got called a buzzkill and boring by a guy that was in my group, and my teacher agreed.

At what point are you allowed to say that to a student who's uncomfortable with you taking a picture of them?

Why do teachers get to break this rule and not respect the decisions and privacy of a student?

It makes them hypocritical.


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