Final Decision

As the majority of you may know, from the start of the summer to just recently, I've been debating whether or not my decision to switch schools was the right one or not.

I'm glad to tell you all that I think that I have my final decision on the matter.

I am happy that I did it.

Of course a piece of me will always miss my old school, all of my old friends are there, everything I ever knew is back at that school, but I'm happy with my new school.

I didn't think that I would make many friends, but I did. I have a handful of friends that I talk to every school day. I can't say that I have best friends right now, I'm not particularly very close with all of them, but I do have someone that I have hung out with for a week straight (and there's also this next school week to be added to that) and I find them easy to talk to.

School is still something that I don't specifically look forward to, but I feel as though there's something more for me there.

I felt fine at my old school, but now I feel...accepted. I feel as though there's something for me at that school that I didn't have before.

Of course I still find it terrifying to walk in the hallway at times, but that will probably stay until the rest of the year.

Something else that's really exciting is that I made my school's boys baseball team!

Well, I'm sort of on the team.

I am one of four AP players which means I'm an affiliate player. That means that I only play in exhibition games or if we have a secure spot in a tournament.

I'm happy with that because all the boys who tried out are high level baseball players.

I don't find myself wondering what if, of course I get nervous sometimes when I arrive at the fields for a practice or game, but there are three other people on the bench and then I take a breath and realize that everything is going to be okay.

During the summer, my older cousin was telling how it's a good thing to be nervous sometimes and back then, I was wondering "How? How can it possibly be a good thing?" But now I understand. 

Being nervous isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of being human.

I still have many things to learn about the school and the people in it, but I think it's going to be a good year.

Everything is falling into place for me at the moment. I start working as a swim teacher this Saturday, I'm volunteering at the museum, I'm a peer tutor during some of my lunch breaks and helping other students learn french, I don't feel too stressed (yet) with my homework and I have people to turn to when I need to talk to someone.

I don't know what it is, if it's the things I listed above or not, but something feels right at the moment and I really hope that that feeling doesn't change.


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Love/Hate Tag

I was tagged by the incredibly kind, sweet and amazing makinglifeacamera to do the love/hate tag. I haven't read too any of the Love/Hate Tag posts by other bloggers, but I'm super excited to be nominated and to be able to read more posts!

The rules:

1. State 10 things you love and 10 things you hate.
2. Tag 10 other bloggers to do the challenge.

Ten Things I Love:

• Music. I love playing either my guitar or bass, I love listening to music or anything involved with music.
• Photography. It's the worst when I get to the place and I think to myself that I should've brought my good camera (Canon Rebel T5i), but I love it when I remember to bring it along with me!
• Talking to my friends. I love to feel connected with the world and talking with my friends is a great way to do so.
• Teaching little kids. I'm a swim teacher, and I love it when a smaller kid realizes that they can do something by themselves for the first time ever.
• Waking up to rain. It gives off a calming effect for me.
• Learning about history. I also work in an immigration museum and I find the history of immigration fascinating. I also find the stories of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table even more fascinating.
• This might seem a little odd a first, but I love contact. Whether it's a hug, holding hands or someone playing with my hair, I love having the feeling of knowing that someone is right there.
• Dogs. I absolutely adore dogs, especially mildly big dogs such as Golden Retrievers, Labs, Duck Tollers, so on and so forth. My grandmother has a cross between a Golden Retriever and a Duck Toller and we're pretty good pals. When my family dog sitted her, I admit to spending the most time with her because I hogged her for myself.
• Reading. I love how reading can easily put me in a different time era or an unimaginable situation which makes me imagine what I would do in a character's place.
• Youtube. I might spend a total of an hour or two on there a day...but that's okay for now...

Ten Things I Hate:

• Tomatoes. I never grew to like them and I especially hate cherry tomatoes.
• When I lose things. I was handed a slip of paper with my next shifts on them for working at the museum, and let's just say that I'll be looking for it once I finish this blog post.
• When my eyeliner looks perfect on one eye, yet on the other it looks uneven. This still happens to me and it's frustrating at times.
• When the apps on my phone randomly shut down. I'll try to look for work emails, but my phone will freeze and shut the app. I'll just start turning my phone off more.
• Insanely loud environments. I'm not a fan of walking into a place when I didn't expect loud noises. I'm fine at concerts per example, but not school dances or events at school in general.
• Being a perfectionist. I feel as though nothing is ever good enough. For example, I can take photos at the same angle and with the same lighting, but I could stare at them for hours trying to figure out which one is the better photo.
• Walking around alone in the dark. If I have a friend with me, then I actually enjoy it, but when I'm alone, I jump at every little sound.
• Math. I've never been a fan of the class or the subject in general, but it must be done.
• When people don't know where to cross the line. You don't know who around you can overhear what you think is a hilarious rape or race joke, there are subjects that you should never joke about.
• Writing on a partition for music. My music teacher from last year would have student highlight specific things on the partition. I could never bring myself to write on my partitions, let alone highlight specific elements. 

There you go! Thats the Love/Hate Tag and I had a great time writing this!

I nominate: 

The Mile Long Bookself

Girl Without Shame

Confessions of Imperfect Me

Reckless

Plain Insane & Insanely Plain

Cherries And Perfume 

Isabella's Choice

What Sarah Writes 

Blog With Sofia

Esme Madeline

Please let me know if I spelt your blog name wrong or the link isn't quite right and I'll fix it right away! I hope that you all decided to do this tag, I'll look forward to reading them!

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Changing For The Better

Well I did as I said I would on my last post, Compliments At The Beach & Understanding Friends, and it feels pretty great to make someone else's day!

Giving compliments is something big for me, not because I don't want to give them, but because I'm too shy to give them to people most of the time.

Just like big projects, I'm working myself up.

When I was at the museum on Sunday, I gave out a few small compliments such as "I love your hair," or "I really like your shirt."

Nothing major yet, but someday I'll be able to go up to someone and tell them that I think they're pretty.

It might not be soon, but it will happen.

Apart from that, I haven't done much today.

I got a few more shifts at the museum, I worked out my schedule a little more in the morning, but in the afternoon I went to the beach with my friends who are in town visiting.

I didn't really feel like going in today, I don't have a specific reason as to why and they understood that this time around and I'm really grateful for that.

They were understanding and didn't make me feel bad for not wanting to go in and I love them for that.

As you can see, this hasn't been a very long post, but I still think it's s really good post because I'm improving.

I'm improving on my social skills with strangers and I now know that I have two, very understanding friends that won't pressure me into things if I say "No," or even "I'm not too sure about this one,"

I was really lucky to have all of this happen in a very short amount of time, so if you're in a similar situation but it's not going as fast, don't worry about it, the change will come when you're ready to.

Although I've been feeling on a low for what seems the longest time now, things seem to be changing and going up. 

I'm excited for when they do.


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My First Ever Work Shift

Oh my goodness.

Today, I had my first ever proper job shift.

As some of you know, I'm a certified swim teacher and as I was lounging around my house this afternoon, I had a family friend text me to say that he was sick and he needed a sub tonight to cover his classes and he asked me if I could.

I figured that this would be a good way to ease myself into teaching on my own  rather than to have my own classes for a first time experience.

I was pretty nervous before I started. Me being me, my mind automatically raced to all the possibilities of things going wrong. Easy enough to say, I psyched myself out.

However, a pool supervisor told me that he would be in the pool with all of the classes today, so if I needed a hand I could call him over to help. That helped me relaxed a bit.

My first class was with an older level, but there was only one girl out of two who showed up.

Honestly, only having one girl to teach boosted my confidence.

I didn't have to jump into a class with six, three years old, kids where half of them didn't listen. I had to teach one girl who was ready to learn, liked to swim and I slowly gained confidence during that first class.

I had a total of five classes in the three hours of my shift, and that's not bad at all.

I was worried that I wouldn't have enough things to do with all the students, but I ended up having plenty to do with almost all of the classes.

When it came to my last lesson, it was a private lesson for a little boy in one, I started to run out of things to do, but he was pretty interested in the bottom of the pool, so for the last two minutes a let him see the bottom of the pool in between two last floats.

I was impressed by most of the kids attention. Of course, it's harder with the younger kids, but all of the older kids were great!

I had a younger group with a little boy and a little girl in the group, but the little boy's aunt and grandmother were also at the pool. Usually that's no problem, but his aunt came over to talk to him during the lesson and that completely derailed and distracted him and he wouldn't listen to me anymore.

I couldn't tell the aunt that I need her to leave in fear of seeming rude, so I said "Hey, hop back in, bud! The lesson isn't over yet!" and the aunt understood that she had to step back for a little while longer and she understood that.

My only other troubled time was when I had six students from the ages of three to five. One of them was not listening to me at all, he didn't want to participate in the class and do what everyone else was doing and the supervisor saw me struggling a little bit, so he came over to help me out with him.

I taught the other five kids while he dealt with that one student.

Overall, I think I had a pretty good first shift.

I was nervous about so many things, but I got over those as more lessons went by and there was other staff around if I needed any help.

Your first shift is always the one you get the most worked up about whether it's with nerves or anxiety, but as soon as you get it over and done with, you realize that it isn't nearly as bad as you thought it could be.

I'm really happy that I took this shift, I feel more comfortable teaching in the water (granted I haven't made any of my own lesson plans) and I feel as though this is a job that I can do well.


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Something Bigger Than Us

Today's been a pretty special day seeing as it's my parents 20th wedding anniversary.

Although they both had their own things to do today -my dad had to work and my mom was out helping my grandmother- they were going out to dinner together.

I wasn't expecting my dad to open the door to our basement when he got home from work and yell down to ask me where I wanted to go for supper.

It's their anniversary, not mine! They should've gone out just the two of them for a date night like I originally thought that they were going to do.

I thought that it would be only the three of us because my sister often goes out with her friends after work and my parents and I have gone out without her on many occasions, but my parents said that we were going to wait for my sister to get home because she would be coming out with us.

My sister and I never really get on that well. 

Sure, we have our sister moments where everything is fine, we get along and talk to each other, but most of the time we stay clear from each other or argue. 

Definitely when we're out in public, when know when to draw the line, so usually we don't really talk to each other then either. 

Today though, we put our differences aside for our parents.

It wasn't something that we discussed and agreed on, but it was something that we knew needed to happen.

Admittedly, we put our parents under a lot of stress with all of our jobs, last minute plans, arguments, etc., so we had to do something nice for them, especially today.

In the end, family is something bigger than us and sometimes you'll have to make small sacrifices to make other family members happy. Sometimes you'll have to make compromises on something that you're not all that happy about for a better end result.

We can't pick the family that we have, so you learn quickly that family can be about compromises and sacrifices for others because family is there to stay whether you like it or not. It doesn't have to be about parents and siblings alone, it could be about aunts, uncles, cousins or anyone that you define as family.

Overall, happy 20th anniversary mom and dad, I love you guys.


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Things Change

I wrote my post Anxiety Attack and Amazing Teammates back in May and a lot has changed since then.

When I had my anxiety attack on the bench, the two girls who really helped me through it have now left my team.

They decided that they wanted to play in an older age division, so the left.

I'm happy for them if they're happy with their new team, I can understand wanting to change for the reasons that they did and I'm not upset at all by their decision.

I guess I'm a little sad about it because they were two of the nicest girls on the team and I will miss them.

We've had to move on as a team even after they left, so practice continued as did games and tournaments.

Over this weekend was the first tournament we played without those two girls.

When we arrived at the hotel we were all staying at Friday night, all the girls came into my room.

Usually what happens is that we break up into a group of a few girls and spread out through the rooms and usually we never hang out in mine, but this time around I had all the girls but one in my room for a total of eleven girls.

It was loud at times, but it was pretty fun. I thought it got off to a good start, I was feeling like it was going to be a good weekend.

I was wrong.

We went on and played well. We ended up winning two games and losing two games, so that was that. No metal this time around, but I was okay with that. It wasn't the games that I had a problem with.

It was my teammates.

I've never been the favourite of the team, I know that. I've never been the one that my teammates really strike up a conversation with, but I guess I'm okay with that.

Even though the girls spent Friday night in my room, I could barely get anything I wanted to say out, even with all the different conversations coming up, I couldn't get into any of them.

Things didn't change once we were at the field.

I was often cut off, often had a girl I was talking to turn their back on me in the middle of a sentence and start up a new conversation with someone else.

I can't lie, it sucked.

During today's game, I was talking to one girl's of something when we were in the dugout and I had two others turn to me and tell me to be quiet.

Usually, I don't talk bad about the other teams that we play at all, but this team was complaining about the way I played first base and I could hear them because they were in the first base dugout.

I was telling the same girl on my team that I was trying to talk to earlier how I could hear them say that I was doing something wrong when we both knew that I wasn't and that I had one girl push me out of the way, but the two girls from before who told me to stop talking also told me to stop talking like that and that I should stop.

That's coming from one of the girls that constantly insults the other teams that we play to us (her own team), curses when she gets out and insults the other players to us with either racist or ageist comments.

I didn't know what to think.

There's one girl on the team who will jokingly say things such as "If you hit me with the ball, I'll be mad," or "Ew, it's you," but now I'm scared that she's not actually joking.

Not everyone will like you in life and I get that, but it hurts.

People know what it's like to experience that feeling that everyone around you hates you and that you're not accepted, so why do they make other people feel that way?

I'm finally admitting that I don't feel comfortable on my softball team that I've played for for about eight years now. I don't feel welcomed on my team anymore.

Is it that they hate me because I talk loudly? I'm used to having to raise my voice while with them to be heard by someone. I don't mean to be loud, I'm just tired of having to trail off with my sentence because everyone else is listening to the girl who just cut me off.

I love softball and I don't want to quit it. This might be a bump in the road and things will be different next year, but I don't know what to do until then.

Usually when I have a post like this, I try to leave advice at the end of it in case one of you are going through the same thing that I am, but I can't do it this time.

I'm lost.

I don't know how to fix this, I don't know what to do or what to think or what to say, I don't know how to change this or how to stop feeling bad for being on my own softball team.

I'm sorry if this bummed you out as you read it, I know it bummed me out to write it.

I didn't know who to turn to with my thoughts so I thought that my blog and my amazing readers would be the best place to go.

If any of you have a piece of advice for this situation, I'd love to hear it. I hope that I'm one of the only ones who's going through this because I know how awful it feels and I wouldn't want anyone else to feel this way.

Someday I'll be spending my time with people who will listen to me and who will care about what I have to say.

I just have to wait until then, I guess.


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My Life, My Time

Seeing as it's summer, my parents want to see me outside, hanging out with friends and generally being out and about, but that's not necessarily what I want or what can happen at the moment.

Admittedly, I haven't gone out of my way to make plans with friends because I feel as though they're all busy and I don't want to bother them by texting them.

I've also been spending a lot of time at home with the dog, but today my mom reminded me that it is okay if I leave the house for a few hours because my grandmother also goes out and leaves the dog on her own.

After she told me that, I just so happened to be told that I could go out and meet my dad for lunch.

This seems like a perfectly nice offer that any teen stuck at home would've taken because it's a free lunch at a restaurant, how wouldn't want that?

It just wasn't what I wanted today.

I love my parents and with everything that they do for me, I don't mind spending time with them. When my mom told me that I could go, I feel as though she was certain that I was going to say yes.

Honestly, I was a little hesitant but I still went.

I was hesitant because I wasn't hungry for lunch and I was a little tired.

Seeing as though I was on the fence about going, I decided to go anyway.

In the end, I did end up enjoying the lunch and I ate most of what I ordered.

I couldn't help to think that this could be part of the problem.

A little while back, I wrote my post Bad Habits and how you shouldn't be ashamed of them and if you want to overcome one, it will take time.

Another one of my bad habits is to put everyone else's feelings before my own.

When my cousin came up for vacation from New York, she had tickets for us to go to Jazz Fest, but I also happened to have a softball game that night. My dad had to go drop something off at the field, and when he was there, he called me to let me know that my team was down one player and would most likely have to forfeit if I didn't play.

I was torn, not by what I wanted to do, but what I thought everyone else wanted me to do.

I see my cousin for about the time period of one to two weeks per year, I rarely miss any softball practices or games, I would be missing part of an event that my cousin and I were looking forward to for months, my team would lose a game because of me, my cousin payed for these tickets herself, my softball team would be single handedly let down by me.

I had so many thoughts going through my head that I couldn't even think of what I wanted for myself.

My mom told me that I would be upset one way or another, and seeing the time and situation I was in, I decided to go to the concert with my cousin. That didn't stop me from feeling terrible for the first few hours.

With lunch today, I decided to go myself, but I thought that if I didn't go, I'd be disappointing both of my parents.

When I got home, I started to think about things like that more.

In the end, it's my life.

I shouldn't have to spend time doing something or going somewhere that I don't want to go.

If I end up regretting, then all the blame is on me. 

If I'm on the fence about something, I always try and give it a chance because if I don't like it, I can stop whatever I'm doing or leave wherever I was heading to.

If I want to do something or go somewhere, great, I'm all in, but I don't want to spend time from my life doing stuff that I don't enjoy.

I wouldn't be blogging this today if I didn't like writing.

Although I'm still young and I can't have a complete say as to what I do all the time, I'm going to start managing my time better because I'm tired of doing stuff that I don't actually want to do. 

It's my life, I can spend it's time however I want to and I shouldn't feel guilty about it. 

Even if I can't start that now, that's one of my biggest goals for the future.


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A Long Awaited Homecoming

My older cousin is coming home tomorrow and before I was super excited, but now I'm terrified.

I'm really close with my older cousin despite the fact that I don't see her very often. Before, she lived on the other side of the country from me, but we still got to see each other every summer or so.

The last time I saw her was right before her big move to the United States to be with her boyfriend, now husband. Last time I saw her was in April 2014.

I can't say that I completely hate distance because in reality, I have a love/hate relationship. I hate the fact that it's separating me from someone I love, but I do love it because it's the biggest reminder to spend time with someone that I love and don't see often and to cherish the time spent together.

However, the last time I saw her was a little more than a year ago. Is that possibly too long?

Within the past year, I've changed a lot.

I started this blog which I haven't really told anyone in real life about, I got a job, I've started to have random anxiety attacks which can largely vary, I got a bad concussion, I've grown up more not just physically but also mentally, I've lost a family member, I met new people, I gained new friends and so much more.

It struck me this afternoon that I'll be seeing my very loved cousin tomorrow night and meeting her husband for the very first time and that's when my brain went into overdrive.

I started to think these ridiculous thoughts such as "What if I've changed so much that she doesn't like me anymore?" "What if she doesn't want to spend time with me when she's here?" "There's not all that much that I can do that the rest of the family can't, is there?" "I'm not worth her time, am I?" "What if her husband convinces her that I'm awful?" "What if he laughs at me for something that I have no control over and she joins in, and then the rest of the family?"

I almost reduced myself to tears this afternoon in fear that my thoughts could be true. 

I didn't know what to do, so I pushed those thoughts to the side for awhile. It didn't work forever though, because later on they came creeping back up into my mind.

I still didn't know what to do, so I tried to take a logical approach to it.

If I've changed to the point of her not liking me anymore, then that's that. I know that I've changed. Is it for better or for worse? I couldn't tell you, but I can say that I am who I am today. Experiences of the past year have shaped me into who I am today and if my cousin doesn't appreciate that at first, she'll probably get used to it.

I can't be the only one who's changed.

The matter with her husband though, I wasn't too sure what to think at the beginning, but then I realized that he honestly has it worse.

I'm only meeting one person while he's meeting her whole family on a Canada Day barbecue. (Seeing a Canada is Wednesday and I try to post every Sunday and Wednesday, I'll probably have a post explaining how that all went for you guys.)

I'm going to make sure to keep an open mind. Although I'm nervous about the whole situation, he's probably thinking the same thing.

If people can't accept the fact that you've changed, that's not your fault. You are who you are, life experiences have gotten you to where you are today, if you think that you've changed for the better, then good. 

The only person who's able to say that they're shocked with who you are today is you. Even then, that's not necessarily a bad thing.


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Fear And Regret

Admittedly, I didn't write a post yesterday like I usually do. I don't have any reason as to why other than the fact that I didn't really know what to write about.

There hasn't been anything extraordinarily different in my life to write about, and I was at a lack of inspiration for a post.

I went to bed slightly frustrated with myself that I couldn't think of something to write about, but I realized that you can't set a fixed time for inspiration for something. If you do, it probably won't turn out the way you want it to, so it's okay to wait for that inspiration to hit. 

My inspiration for this post hit me today when I was texting a friend and he was telling me that he was nervous and scared to go to a camp that goes for a few weeks and that's a 15 hour drive away/2 hour flight away from home.

I could understand why he would be scared and nervous; he's going alone, there's no one that he already knows going with him. If I were in his shoes, I would be terrified to do it. He's quite courageous to be doing it, honestly.

Having been in that situation myself with a different scenario, I told him what I thought.

I told him that being nervous and scared to go is normal, who wouldn't feel that way? I said that he would certainly make friends. He was still a little hesitant, saying that he supposed that that was true.

Finally, I told him something that helped me figure things out for myself.

I told him that he'd regret if it he didn't go.

Yes, he would be home with the people that he knows, he would be with friends, but he would always wonder what would happen if he didn't go.

While texting I said "You might be scared now, yes, but will you regret not going because fear is holding you back? Probably," and he agreed.

He said that he would regret it and told me that that's a good way of thinking about things.

I gave the advice that I was too scared to follow myself, so I changed that.

As some of you may know, I've had a choice to make: to stay at my current school which is French or change to the local English High School.

Although the English school seemed like the better choice, I was terrified to make the official decision, terrified to regret it. After thinking about it, I realize that I will most likely regret the choice I never took. 

I don't want to live my life that way.

I don't want to regret anything, I want to try everything. Not everything is my cup of tea, I realize that, but how can I find that perfect brew if I never try it? Sure I might have some unpleasant tea at times, but that's how you find the perfect brew.

I decided to follow my own advice and I'm going to the local English high school.

Fear is associated with regret, the go hand in hand, you'll feel one or the other at times.

Just because you fear something though, doesn't mean you regret it.

Don't hold back on something because you're scared of regret. If you don't try it, you'll regret that too. Might as well try something and know that you regretted it.

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Different Style

I was scrolling through twitter, under the blogger tag and I noticed something that pretty much all the bloggers have in common.

They're either blogging about fashion/beauty, a blog about their kids (is it called a mommy blog?), food, lifestyle, crafts, there are so many blogs out there about so many different things, but I find that they all follow the same main idea.

There’s no one, that I have seen, that has the same type of blog idea that I have on Blogger.

I'm not even sure what category to place my blog under. I guess you could say advice...? Possibly lifes, but I strongly doubt that's what I would qualify under.
Is advice a blog category? I have no idea.

I guess it’s pretty cool being the first on Blogger (that I've seen myself), but when I started this blog, I didn't expect much of it; never would I have thought it to be motivating much less get me nominated for awards by a lovely reader of mine.

I thought my blog was going to be my little corner of the internet. I didn't think that I would have nearly as many readers as I do today, I didn't think that I could inspire people, I thought it was going to be my place to let my thoughts out with a few people who feel the same way sometimes, but I'm glad that it didn't turn into that.

I do still have what would be considered a small amount of readers, but I'm thankful for every single one and I'm honored if I have helped you or inspired you or possibly just gave you a needed distraction for a few minutes.

I have told stories on here that I've never and will never repeat in real life, but on here, there’s no reason for me NOT to share these stories, and who knows? I might make someone’s day better. I might make someone feel a little less alone during a tough situation for them.

Sure, the majority of blogs are owned by people writing about what they like, and that’s perfectly fine! I just wanted to think outside the box a little bit.

So like I mentioned earlier: I don't know if my blog fits into any normal blog categories, I really don't. I'm not even sure how some of you have stumbled across my blog, but either way, I want to thank you all for taking time to read it.

I was terrified when I first started this blog seeing as how I discus problems in my life that I wouldn't dare to say out loud, but now I'm really glad I did. Not only has it helped me, but possibly someone else.

We aren't alone in this world, we don't have to do everything by ourselves. Being able to write this blog makes me feel supported in a sense because I feel as though somebody, no matter where they are in the world, understands how I feel.

If you ever find yourself needing help and don't want to turn to someone you know, feel free to email me at onemoregirlonlineadvice@gmail.com. I promise that everything remains anonymous. As some of you might tell from my blog, I'm alright with anonymity.

In the end, no, I don't think that I'm like other blogs. I have a different mindset from the majority that I've seen, but that's okay. I find that there's something so genuine and so great about it.

There's nothing wrong with being a little different.


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Health Matters

If I'm going to be honest with you guys, I might as well admit this.

For probably the last year, I haven't had my priorities set straight at all.

When I say that, I mean that not even my own needs were at the top of my priorities.

I'm the type of person who will feel as though it's their fault if one of their friends aren't prepared for a school test or project and still offer to help them study or finish the project even if they know fully well that they should be study or spending time working on their project.

I have often put other people before myself.

Although I gave that example, the one that is currently present in my life at the moment is still involving school and myself.

For the past year, I have been putting school in front of my own health.

I have thrown away my sleep schedule for my school work and in the result of that, I've made myself sick. Of course, when I was sick, I would miss a day or two of school putting my behind in class work, staying up late to get all my work done and it's just a vicious circle.

I caught a cold on Monday, so I stayed home today. My best friend texted me to tell me that we have a project due in science class and to remind me of a math test and English essay coming up.

Even though I'm at home, sick, I couldn't think much of anything else except for the school work I have soon. I couldn't even focus on my own recovery.

Even though it's the end of the school year, classes have yet to slow down.

The worst for me is that I'm a perfectionist. If my work isn't as perfect as I believe it can be, I will stay up all night to get it perfect and then go to school as if I had eight hours of sleep.

I have let the idea of school and every single grade completely ruling my future that I'm slowly letting it ruin my health.

If it weren't for my parents, I probably wouldn't have any energy at this point of the year.

In the past, I have had teachers be angry at me for not having the homework to hand in, yet once I reminded them that I was sick the previous day, it was suddenly alright.

What if I have a panic or anxiety attack that evening and can't get my work done? The teachers would still be angry because I can't come straight out and tell them why I couldn't get it done, so the answer has to be "I just couldn't get it done," and if they ask why, then that's an automatic "I forgot about it."

It's not fair that it's been drilled into students' minds, or at least mine, that school work and homework are so important that our own health should be forgotten.

I shouldn't have my mindset on an English essay or math homework when I still get dizzy after standing up.

It will be hard to change things now, but by next year, hopefully I'll always be able to remember that no work is more important than my own health.

I'm going to have my priorities straight for next year.


One More Girl, no longer online

Life's Adventure Pace

Something I haven't written about on my blog before is that I have received a few certifications. 

So far, I have up to my bronze cross certification (think of it as I'm 2/3 of the way to being a lifeguard) and my AWSI (Assistant Water Safety Instructor) certification (I'm halfway to being a swim teacher).

To be a Water Safety Instructor, in other words: an official swimming teacher, I have to complete my WSI course.

I will actually complete that course Monday, then I'm certified to teach swimming lessons.

Both courses last seven weeks each, so I've been doing a course every single Monday from 5pm-9pm every Monday for the past thirteen weeks, and Monday will be my fourteenth/final week. 

Throughout the time of the course, I've been feeling as though my parents are more excited for this than I am.

Both my parents and older sister have followed in the same footsteps: do all 10 swim levels, swim for a team, teach swimming lessons, become a pool lifeguard and then a beach lifeguard.

I've done up to swimming for a team, but I'll soon start to teach lessons like it's expected of me.

To be honest with you all, I'm terrified for it.

Being on my own with up to eight young kids in a potentially very dangerous environment for them, that terrifies me. If something goes wrong one day, it's on me and I'll blame myself for it every single day.

I don't know what to think of it. They make you do practice teaching, but even then, you're not on your own. The original teacher is still with the class and can help out at any time.

The reason as to why I'm mentioning all of this is because this evening, I went to babysit this little girl. She falls right into the category as to what ages I'll most likely teach.

I know that everyone is different and that I knew this girl prior to going to babysit, but I started to get comfortable with the idea of teaching her.

I thought "Hey, I could do it. She's a really nice kid, good listener and will try new things! I could so teach her!"

Then I remembered that not all kids are like her and will be as sweet as her, nor the same age.

I then started to remember my initial feelings about the whole situation and thought about how they haven't really changed at all.

I'm still working up the courage to tell my parents that I don't want to teach swimming lessons, not yet anyway.

Something that I have trouble remembering, and I know that many others also do, is just because you're expected to do something, that doesn't mean that you have to do it.

Life is a journey to the grave.Yes, it should be adventurous in your own way, but you should also be adventurous at your own pace. Not your parents or your siblings pace, but your own pace.

One More Girl, no longer online 

Time

Time is something that we can never seem to have the perfect amount of. We either tend to have too little of it or too much of it.

I can name a handful of different occasions when I didn't have enough time to finish things, and I can also name another handful of different occasions when I thought I was dying of boredom because I had too much time.

Time is something that humans have created in a way.

We have decided how long a second is, how long a minute is, how long an hour is, how long a day is and so on and so forth.

They decided that a year would be 365 days because that's how long it takes for the earth to do a full rotation around the sun, but they could've easily decided that a year is two or three full rotations around the sun.

If someone asked us how long a day is, we have the automatic answer of 24 hours.

If you think about different measurements in that way, then we have really given a definition to everything. We've created meters, temperature, etc.

However, something we haven't decided, for example are the seasons.

Yes, we gave them names, but we didn't give them their qualities. We didn't created snow, or rain, or the sun or how the leaves change.

We just happen to have given those seasons their names and rough estimate dates as to when they start and end.

Time is viewed as something precious, yet in reality, there's no scientific proof that time really does exist. It's believed to be more of an illusion.

It's viewed as a very complex topic in physics and there's no doubt among physicists that it exists, but they seem to be divided on what causes its existence.

We know that the sun rises and then the moon takes its turn, and we also know that the seasons change.

When the seasons change, we view that as times going by in months, but then again, months are also a measure of time that humans have created.

The seasons change in a continuous loop, just like how the sun and moon follow a continuous loop.

In the end, time is a weird thing that I don't think anyone has master yet.

I guess the question is are you using our idea of time wisely whether it's minutes, hours, days, months or years?


One More Girl, no longer online

Inappropriate Jokes And Being "Sensitive"

When you're in school, you hear a lot of things. You hear rumours, you hear lies, you hear gossip, but you also hear jokes.

Jokes are great because they can help you make it through a day. If it's a long day in particular, they can lift your spirits up a little bit. There's no harm in having a laugh!

There is a harm, however, in making inappropriate jokes.

Back when I was twelve years old, there was an incident that happened that left me emotionally traumatized. A few years later and I still have trouble talking about it without crying a little bit.

It was a really hard time for me and I feel as though I haven't gotten completely over it.

Fast forward a few years and I've come to accept the fact that it happened and I'm trying to move on from it, but that's definitely easier said then done.

How am I supposed to move on from that bad point in my life if people keep making jokes about it and laughing about it?

I don't talk about what happened at all, so people don't know that I suffer from it, but that doesn't mean they should joke about it anyway!

This is a little worse than I what I experienced, so please don't go off thinking the worse, but did you know that one in every four woman in North America will be sexually assaulted throughout their life?

Did you know that 60% of sexually abused/assaulted people are under the age of 17?

Did you know that 57% of aboriginal women (in Canada) have been sexually abused?

With statistics like those in only one single category, how can you feel good or accomplished about making jokes about rape?

If you're the person feeling offended by the joke, you're left with the choice of telling the people who told the joke to stop because jokes like that aren't funny, or you're left with the choice of sitting back, not saying anything by it while being bothered by the joke.

From personal experience, if you tell people that a joke like that isn't funny and it's wrong, then, from personal experience, you might hear the words "Oh my God, you're so lame," or "What a loser," or what I find to be the worst "God, you're so sensitive."

That's the worse for me because that's a complete lie.

I am not being too sensitive. I am being a person who is trying to avoid a bad time in my life. I am a person trying overcome a traumatizing experience. I am doing what any person would do in that situation and you're mocking me for that and making my emotional recover take longer.

This is an issue that has to be addressed.

I constantly hear people joking about rape, being gay, being assaulted/sexually assaulted, having a mental illness, being suicidal and more.

Jokes like that aren't funny. People are scarred for life from events like that.

Do you have any idea how many people struggle with coming out to their friends and family that they end up not doing it? People have to find their love for another person because they feel as though they won't be accepted by the people in their life.

It isn't fair.

Something that people have to start understanding is:

Rape jokes aren't funny to everyone.
Assault jokes aren't funny to everyone.
Sexual assault jokes aren't funny to everyone.
Mental illness jokes aren't funny to everyone.
Physical illness jokes aren't funny to everyone.
Weight jokes aren't funny to everyone.
Self harm jokes aren't funny to everyone.
LGBT jokes aren't funny to everyone.
Race jokes aren't funny to everyone.
Religion jokes aren't funny to everyone.
Suicide jokes aren't funny to everyone.

Any category that are also often jokes about that I missed, I'm truly sorry and feel free to leave it in a comment to remind everyone else that something of that subject should not be joked about.

If you are aware that this is a problem yet you continue to make jokes about those subjects, you're part of the problem.

Then again, what do I know? I don't live your life, you might've been a victim of something traumatizing or part of a social group that's often jokes about, and maybe you joking about it is how you're comforted by it.

It's different for everyone, but you must remember that the people around you might've lived through something awful that you might not know about, and you telling jokes like that could be slowly killing them on the inside.

People go through different experiences in life whether they're good or bad.

Just because they haven't told you about it doesn't mean that it hasn't happened and it doesn't mean that they aren't still affected by it.


One More Girl, no longer online