Eternal Love

Whenever I heard the term "eternal love" when I was younger, I would always immediately think of couples and families.

As I got older, I started to realize that you didn't only have to have an eternal love for someone but also something. 

Last night, I got to really see that.

Granted I didn't write a post yesterday, but I was out at a jazz festival concert with my family.

I went with my parents, my aunt and uncle, and also my two older cousins (one of which was my cousin who's currently visiting from New York).

My city is currently holding a jazz festival and the show we went to last night was Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings.

All I can say about that performance is "Wow."

Sharon has an insane amount of energy, the band was incredible and the show was amazing.

When my family and I got through the gates, we went to sit in the bleachers,

After a little while, I started to feel claustrophobic. The bleachers were so packed that once you sat down, you were in and couldn't get out without having to get at least one person to move.

I really didn't like it, I focused more on the people around me rather than the show and I hated that. I can't enjoy the things I want to go to because I get to worked up about other things.

My cousin got me to go dance with her, and once we were out of the bleachers, she told me that she got me because I  looked bored. I told her what was really going through my mind and she walked around with me, brought me to a less crowded area and held my hand or had her arm around me for the remaining of the time.

I was really grateful for that.

Because of my cousins' actions, I was able to focus more on the concert.

Before my cousin got me out of the bleachers, I could really only focus on the people around me.

I saw old friends meeting up for the first time in awhile to enjoy a concert together, I saw couples enjoying each others company, I saw friends run into other friends that didn't know they were also going to the concert, I saw others families meet up, I saw people who didn't care who was watching them but would dance anyway and I saw people watch or do something their passionate about.

You don't have to meet a person to know what they love, nor to find out what one of their eternal loves are and I think that's an amazing thing.

None of you know me, but you all seem to know that one of my eternal loves is writing. 

You can love something and you can have passion for something, but once you have both of those things together, I think that's when it's eternal love.

Even though I was uncomfortable at the concert, I still liked being able to take my time and properly look at the people around me. 

When you catch someone doing what they love without the other persons knowledge, you know its real and it's pretty amazing.


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A Long Awaited Homecoming

My older cousin is coming home tomorrow and before I was super excited, but now I'm terrified.

I'm really close with my older cousin despite the fact that I don't see her very often. Before, she lived on the other side of the country from me, but we still got to see each other every summer or so.

The last time I saw her was right before her big move to the United States to be with her boyfriend, now husband. Last time I saw her was in April 2014.

I can't say that I completely hate distance because in reality, I have a love/hate relationship. I hate the fact that it's separating me from someone I love, but I do love it because it's the biggest reminder to spend time with someone that I love and don't see often and to cherish the time spent together.

However, the last time I saw her was a little more than a year ago. Is that possibly too long?

Within the past year, I've changed a lot.

I started this blog which I haven't really told anyone in real life about, I got a job, I've started to have random anxiety attacks which can largely vary, I got a bad concussion, I've grown up more not just physically but also mentally, I've lost a family member, I met new people, I gained new friends and so much more.

It struck me this afternoon that I'll be seeing my very loved cousin tomorrow night and meeting her husband for the very first time and that's when my brain went into overdrive.

I started to think these ridiculous thoughts such as "What if I've changed so much that she doesn't like me anymore?" "What if she doesn't want to spend time with me when she's here?" "There's not all that much that I can do that the rest of the family can't, is there?" "I'm not worth her time, am I?" "What if her husband convinces her that I'm awful?" "What if he laughs at me for something that I have no control over and she joins in, and then the rest of the family?"

I almost reduced myself to tears this afternoon in fear that my thoughts could be true. 

I didn't know what to do, so I pushed those thoughts to the side for awhile. It didn't work forever though, because later on they came creeping back up into my mind.

I still didn't know what to do, so I tried to take a logical approach to it.

If I've changed to the point of her not liking me anymore, then that's that. I know that I've changed. Is it for better or for worse? I couldn't tell you, but I can say that I am who I am today. Experiences of the past year have shaped me into who I am today and if my cousin doesn't appreciate that at first, she'll probably get used to it.

I can't be the only one who's changed.

The matter with her husband though, I wasn't too sure what to think at the beginning, but then I realized that he honestly has it worse.

I'm only meeting one person while he's meeting her whole family on a Canada Day barbecue. (Seeing a Canada is Wednesday and I try to post every Sunday and Wednesday, I'll probably have a post explaining how that all went for you guys.)

I'm going to make sure to keep an open mind. Although I'm nervous about the whole situation, he's probably thinking the same thing.

If people can't accept the fact that you've changed, that's not your fault. You are who you are, life experiences have gotten you to where you are today, if you think that you've changed for the better, then good. 

The only person who's able to say that they're shocked with who you are today is you. Even then, that's not necessarily a bad thing.


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Fear And Regret

Admittedly, I didn't write a post yesterday like I usually do. I don't have any reason as to why other than the fact that I didn't really know what to write about.

There hasn't been anything extraordinarily different in my life to write about, and I was at a lack of inspiration for a post.

I went to bed slightly frustrated with myself that I couldn't think of something to write about, but I realized that you can't set a fixed time for inspiration for something. If you do, it probably won't turn out the way you want it to, so it's okay to wait for that inspiration to hit. 

My inspiration for this post hit me today when I was texting a friend and he was telling me that he was nervous and scared to go to a camp that goes for a few weeks and that's a 15 hour drive away/2 hour flight away from home.

I could understand why he would be scared and nervous; he's going alone, there's no one that he already knows going with him. If I were in his shoes, I would be terrified to do it. He's quite courageous to be doing it, honestly.

Having been in that situation myself with a different scenario, I told him what I thought.

I told him that being nervous and scared to go is normal, who wouldn't feel that way? I said that he would certainly make friends. He was still a little hesitant, saying that he supposed that that was true.

Finally, I told him something that helped me figure things out for myself.

I told him that he'd regret if it he didn't go.

Yes, he would be home with the people that he knows, he would be with friends, but he would always wonder what would happen if he didn't go.

While texting I said "You might be scared now, yes, but will you regret not going because fear is holding you back? Probably," and he agreed.

He said that he would regret it and told me that that's a good way of thinking about things.

I gave the advice that I was too scared to follow myself, so I changed that.

As some of you may know, I've had a choice to make: to stay at my current school which is French or change to the local English High School.

Although the English school seemed like the better choice, I was terrified to make the official decision, terrified to regret it. After thinking about it, I realize that I will most likely regret the choice I never took. 

I don't want to live my life that way.

I don't want to regret anything, I want to try everything. Not everything is my cup of tea, I realize that, but how can I find that perfect brew if I never try it? Sure I might have some unpleasant tea at times, but that's how you find the perfect brew.

I decided to follow my own advice and I'm going to the local English high school.

Fear is associated with regret, the go hand in hand, you'll feel one or the other at times.

Just because you fear something though, doesn't mean you regret it.

Don't hold back on something because you're scared of regret. If you don't try it, you'll regret that too. Might as well try something and know that you regretted it.

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Things We Need To Tell Ourselves More Often

As humans, we need feedback to learn. No matter what the case is; whether it's in sports performances or work performances, we need someone to give us constructive criticism to improve in whatever field we're performing in.

Usually, you won't hear negative feedback. People tend to only give you criticism on a specific field when they want to help you improve. They care about you and they want to make sure that you reach your full potential. When they give you constructive criticism, it's a good thing. They'll highlight something that you are doing well and remind you to do something specific to help you reach your full potential. They tell you how to improve something to build you up, not tear you down.

Constructive criticism is a great thing, yet it's not always constructive/positive. 

We usually go to get constructive criticism from someone who is in a higher rank than ourselves, so for an example as a sports player, I'll look for feedback from my coach. As a new employee, I'll look for feedback from someone who's been working there longer than I have or even my manager.

Although getting feedback from someone else, I find that no one is harder on ourselves then us ourselves.

People tend to be hard on themselves for different reasons. 

Some might do it because they didn't feel loved/praised enough. If their parents would brush off ever accomplishment that they did, they would work hard and criticism themselves to make everything perfect just to hear the praise that they deserve. 

They might feel as though they haven't accomplished anything great in their life and will work and criticism themselves until they feel as though they've done something great.

They could be hard on themselves because they feel useless or have been wrongfully led to think so. They don't feel happy with anything that they've done so they criticism themselves harshly until they feel successful enough.

After thinking about that for a little bit today I realize that they're so many things that people should hear every once in awhile, or even everyday, that they don't often hear. 

Here are a few things we need to tell ourselves more:

1) Things don't change overnight.
Whether you're trying to change the way you do something sports related (for say, changing your technique on mechanics) or change the way you look to be happier with your body, that change will come. Changing things takes time and that's often something we forget. It's okay to get frustrated every once and awhile, but we must remember that things change a different rates, so do not feel bad if you can't accomplish something for a set date. If you happen to miss your goal by a set date, that's okay! You're human! Set a new date and work towards that goal instead of getting yourself down and beating yourself up.

2) Everyone makes mistakes, I'm not the only one.
Some people feel as though that as soon as they make a mistake, they're suddenly pathetic. 
That's not the case.
As much as you probably don't believe it or as much as you doubt it, everyone makes mistakes. Our friends, parents, teachers, role models, strangers that you see on the streets, everyone. Everyone makes mistakes. It's possible to make a mistake on a basic math question, but hey! That happens! Mistakes happen and you learn from them. They aren't the end of the world; if anything, they make us more determined to do better. They shouldn't eat at you until you tear yourself apart.

3) I can't control this, so I'll work with it.
If there's somewhere you need to be at a set time, yet you're stuck in traffic, there's no point in worrying and stressing over it. Traffic is something out of your control, it's not your fault, so don't make yourself believe that it is. I know people (including myself) who will stress over things out of their control. In situations where you don't have control, work with what's given to you. If you're getting sick and can't risk missing school, go see your teachers and see what you can bring home to stay up to date or go to the store to get things that will make you feel better. You can't avoid getting sick, so do something that will help you during that time.

Those are my three tips for today, maybe I'll make another post like this later on and remind you of three more things that we have to tell ourselves more often.

Something that I want to add in and tell you in case you haven't heard it recently is that I'm proud of you.

Everyone here has gotten to this time of their life in different ways and have had their own challenges. No matter how big or small they are, challenges are challenges and congratulations for surpassing them. I know that sometimes it's hard to do and I'm proud of you for getting here.


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Health Matters

If I'm going to be honest with you guys, I might as well admit this.

For probably the last year, I haven't had my priorities set straight at all.

When I say that, I mean that not even my own needs were at the top of my priorities.

I'm the type of person who will feel as though it's their fault if one of their friends aren't prepared for a school test or project and still offer to help them study or finish the project even if they know fully well that they should be study or spending time working on their project.

I have often put other people before myself.

Although I gave that example, the one that is currently present in my life at the moment is still involving school and myself.

For the past year, I have been putting school in front of my own health.

I have thrown away my sleep schedule for my school work and in the result of that, I've made myself sick. Of course, when I was sick, I would miss a day or two of school putting my behind in class work, staying up late to get all my work done and it's just a vicious circle.

I caught a cold on Monday, so I stayed home today. My best friend texted me to tell me that we have a project due in science class and to remind me of a math test and English essay coming up.

Even though I'm at home, sick, I couldn't think much of anything else except for the school work I have soon. I couldn't even focus on my own recovery.

Even though it's the end of the school year, classes have yet to slow down.

The worst for me is that I'm a perfectionist. If my work isn't as perfect as I believe it can be, I will stay up all night to get it perfect and then go to school as if I had eight hours of sleep.

I have let the idea of school and every single grade completely ruling my future that I'm slowly letting it ruin my health.

If it weren't for my parents, I probably wouldn't have any energy at this point of the year.

In the past, I have had teachers be angry at me for not having the homework to hand in, yet once I reminded them that I was sick the previous day, it was suddenly alright.

What if I have a panic or anxiety attack that evening and can't get my work done? The teachers would still be angry because I can't come straight out and tell them why I couldn't get it done, so the answer has to be "I just couldn't get it done," and if they ask why, then that's an automatic "I forgot about it."

It's not fair that it's been drilled into students' minds, or at least mine, that school work and homework are so important that our own health should be forgotten.

I shouldn't have my mindset on an English essay or math homework when I still get dizzy after standing up.

It will be hard to change things now, but by next year, hopefully I'll always be able to remember that no work is more important than my own health.

I'm going to have my priorities straight for next year.


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Details And Base Layer

They say that detail is key, and to an extent, it's true. However, I feel as though that in most cases, it's false.

I've never been great at remembering things; you can ask me what I had for breakfast yesterday and I would have to think about it or I wouldn't be able to answer you. I've often forgotten about projects and schoolwork and more. 

I guess you could say I have a little bit of a scattered brain.

Anyway, this weekend I had away at a softball tournament that was quite a drive.

The drive was worth it though because we went undefeated and went home with the gold.

My thoughts about the quote from above started to come into perspective for me when a girl on my team, on the second day of the tournament, was talking about an amazing play that happened on the first day and I couldn't even remember the play itself. Hell, I can't even remember all of the plays that happened today.

I'm not sure if that's happened to other people in their own case scenarios or if it was just me who happened to forget that, but it was a little bit of a shock.

Once I made that connection, I started to think of what I remembered from so long ago.

I was coming up empty handed; I could remember what titles we had won in what year (for the most part), but then again I have medals with those dates and titles on them back home. I can remember my milestones in softball, but for some of them I had to sit back and think about them.

I started to feel bad about it, then I realized that I shouldn't.

I'm not going to remember how many home runs I've hit, I'm not going to remember what teams we beat or lost to, and I'm not going to remember the amazing plays my teammates or I made.

I'm going to remember the people I grew up playing against, I'm going to remember my teammates, I'm going to remember the late night talks in someone's hotel rooms while the parents (mainly the dads) are drinking beer in another room and watching a baseball game on TV, I'm going to remember running into a teammate at a random gas station on the way to a tournament that's across the country, I'm going to remember joking around with my dad on the long drives and I'm going remember all the laughs and how much fun I've had with them.

The first thing you need in softball are teammates. The details would be the plays and the home runs that've been hit, but in reality, those aren't important at all once the game is over. 

Yesterday's home run won't win today's game.

Your teammates aren't the detail, yet they're the key. Teammates are the people you spend all your time with, that you grow up with and learn along side. They're your base layer and the people keep you grounded and ready for anything.

I went to Disney World when I was five years old and the only thing I can remember from it was always pretending to be asleep so that my dad would carry me back to the hotel room. I know that many kids do that, but I think the main reason I remember that is because I did it every night and it would always be my dad who carried me back.

My dad has always been the one to be involved with my softball. Some might think "Well, one parent has to be," but he goes the extra mile. He helps out with practices and will do score keeping for every single game.

No one is making him do it, he's purely doing it because he can and he wants to be involved with what I do.

I'm not going to remember the scores of games, but I'm going to remember the fact that it's always been my dad writing them down and I can't thank him enough for that. I appreciate everything he's done for my softball and I don't think I say it enough.

As much as this is my own reminder to thank my dad for everything he's done, this can also be your reminder that although it's okay to remember all the little things about something, don't ever forget the base layer to it because that's what's going to be the first thing you remember in a few years time.

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Technology

In our present day and age, we have access to some pretty amazing technology.

With all the cellphones, laptops, TVs, watches and tablets, we're surrounded by technology that is starting to do more and more for us.

For example, with the new Apple Watch, you can listen to music, read text messages and more all from a device that's supposed to show you the time.

All this technology is helping us advance in the human race, it helps us evolve, but it's also causing us to devolve as people.

I'll admit that in the past, I've chosen to listen to music with both my headphones in rather than to have a conversation with my family, hell I'll probably continue to do so.

I just didn't realize how bad things got until this evening.

Tonight I was going to have an actual sit down meal with my family because we don't have those often, so when my parents called down to my sister in the basement to come up and eat, she refused. She said that she had too much homework to do, yet I could hear the TV blaring.

It's normal for people to do other things while doing homework, but if we didn't have TVs, laptops or anything along those lines, what are the chances of our homework being done faster?

Anyway, my sister didn't come up to eat so it ended up just being my parents and I.

I was sitting on the backside of the table and my parents were sitting across from me. 

Where they were sitting, they could just turn their heads a little bit and see the TV that my dad left on.

No one said a word throughout dinner because my parents were both more interested in the movie playing on the TV rather than having a conversation which each other.

I've never been one to initiate conversations nor have I been known to maintain one in my family, but it's really noticeable when there's no one talking.

I can't say that technology is making us more antisocial because it's helped me make friends and keep the ones I have that live in different parts of the county and/or the world. It helps me keep in touch with my cousin who's in a different country.

Even though it keeps me close from the people far away from me, I feel like it's making me further away from the people that are close to me.

When you ask someone what their thoughts on technology are, you'll probably hear a wide range of answers.

You might hear people say that they absolutely love it, that wouldn't know how they'd live without it.

Others might say it's the worse thing that's happen to us because it's starting to take over every little thing that we do.

My point of view on, like I mentioned before, is that although it brings you closer to those farther away, it takes you farther away from those who are closer to you in person.

If I were to stop and think about it for a minute, I could've easily wrote all of this down in a journal rather than posting it on the Internet with the help of technology. I don't have an actual reason as to why, I guess I thought that this would help me reach out to other people around the world who feel the same way that I do. 

I thought I could make a difference.

I'm using technology for something that I could've easily done with pen and paper, but I thought that my blog could help someone else, so I decided to use technology to write. If I look at the reason as to why I'm using technology and the Internet, it seems like a reasonable answer. 

If someone were to ask me the question as to why have a blog instead of a diary or journal and I were to say "Because it's easier and there's spellcheck," that's when I would reevalute the reason as to why I started to write my blog in the first place.

If you realize you forgot your phone at home and your going out all day with friends who's phone you could use in emergencies, would you still want to go back and get your own phone?

How many of you sleep with your phone right next to you, either on the bed, the bedside table or the floor? Why do our priorities lie within the possibility of getting a text or a call at three in the morning rather than our sleep?

I guess the real question is are you able to disconnect when you want to, or do you get anxious when you go for a certain amount of time without any electronic device and can only concentrate on that? Is it almost like you have a fear of being without your device?


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