My First Exams and What I Learnt From Them

Well it's been quite a time since I last wrote.

The last time I posted was a few days before my exams started and I expressed how I wasn't feeling too stressed about things and that I was feeling pretty good.

Things didn't go the way I thought they would.

My Sunday before exams was planned out: go to work, tutor a student in my French class for our exam and then study math for myself.

My work shift is just 9am-12pm Sunday mornings, however I got myself into a bit of a jam because I took an extra shift right after.

They were desperate for someone else to work, so I step up because frankly, I need the money.

It wasn't too bad, but I ended up working 9am-5pm.

That set everything back at least three hours.

I only met my friend to help him study French at around 5:30 and we both had to leave at 7:15. 

I did as much as I could to help him prepare and taught him how to answer the question with the words already placed in the question.

I found out today once I walked past him in the hallway that he passed the exam which is great! He struggled with a failing grade for the majority of the semester, however he was able to bring it up in the end!

After I got home, I studied for math and then went to bed for a good night's rest before exams.

I woke up the day of my first exam feeling immensely sick.

The stomach flu had been going around just a few days before and I was convinced that I got sick myself.

There's not much you can do, you can't miss an exam unless a family member has passed away or that you're hospitalized. 

I went to school on Monday and wrote my first two exams, English then French, and felt progressively better throughout the day.

I thought I was getting better and went to bed early that night to be refreshed for my morning math exam on Tuesday.

I woke up and the stomach pains hit me harder than ever.

I couldn't eat, I couldn't drink, I had a headache and my mind was set that I had the flu.

Once again, nothing I could've done so I went to school.

I used my whole two hours to work on my math exam and when I walked out of the exam room, all of my symptoms disappeared.

There's nothing else it could've been except for anxiety. If that's the case, I've never had anxiety at a constant level that high before.

It was crazy to realize that it was anxiety, but then I figured that I must've been so stressed about my exams that I kept my mind busy with anything and everything, like taking an extra shift and focusing on tutoring someone else, to keep my thoughts from drifting to my exams.

Im so glad I have them over with and that I've started my second semester, however I learnt an important lesson.

In a few years from now, possibly even one year from now, those marks won't matter.

Your exam marks don't define you as a person. They don't test your knowledge in a skill rather than your memorization skill. It's completely unfair to tell students that they all learn in unique ways yet have a standardized test to challenge what we can remember, however there's nothing that we can do about that yet.

Anyway, your exam results are a number, a fraction or a percentage that you won't be able to remember in two years time. 

Those digits will not define you as a person or limit you to what you can do in your life.

If anyone else had exams I hope you did well and if you have any coming up, I wish you the best of luck.

One More Girl, no longer online

I'm Back From A Break!

Hey guys, I'm back!

I know it's a Thursday and I promise that I genuinely wanted to have this posted yesterday on my usual Wednesday/Sunday schedule, however I arrived home last evening feeling sick with a massive headache so I thought I would wait another day to make sure that I take my time with this post and I didn't rush through it.

So yes, I didn't post at all over the Christmas break and honestly, I think it was the right thing for me to do.

Admittedly, I'm not particularly close with all of my family. Whenever I see a few off my aunts and uncles, there's always a comment to be said about either my hair or jeans or class choice or song choice or personal interest.

There's always something unnecessary said about my personal choices and it gets to me. I usually get frustrated or angry, but this year I just felt down.

During the break I spent the majority of the time at my house, I left a few times but not too often, and I felt down about having to go see my family members because I knew what to expect.

If you ever start feeling down because you have to visit family, that's not a bad thing and you aren't a horrible person! If they aren't a positive motivation in your life, you don't have to put pressure on yourself and say that you have to love them because they're family, because honestly, you don't.

They say that you can't pick your family, but you can pick who's close to you in life and who you want to surround yourself with.

That doesn't specifically mean family.

Either way, I got through my holidays.

I had a few friends come over on New Years Eve and I was really starting to feel better, we only watched movies and I fell asleep 40 minutes before the New Year and was awoken in 2016.

A few hours later I did the polar bear swim! (For those who don't know what it is, it's when you run into water outdoors whether it's a lake/ocean/river)

I wasn't sure if I would do it this year but honestly it was probably the best year I've done it yet!

Later that night, I went to go see Star Wars with the same friends that were over for New Years Eve, and this is when things turned.

We got maybe a third of the way into the movie when I had an anxiety/panic attack. I don't know which one it was; I felt anxious because the theatre was completely full, however I calmed myself down during the previews and then laters had the anxiety/panic attack.

I want to say it was a panic attack because had it been anxiety, it would lasted until I got out of the theatre, but I'm honestly not sure.

That really set me back.

I was feeling pretty good, but then that happened and I fell right back down into my slump.

When school started back up, I came to realize that it's okay to be on a rollercoaster with my anxiety and depression because that's the reality of it. I'm going to have good days and bad days, I'm going to have anxiety/panic attacks. 

I want to get right out of those periods, but sometimes it can be really hard.

Things might seem bad now, but in a year I'll be able to look back on this and see how far I've come.

That was my break, tell me about yours! I hope you all had an amazing break that was both fun and relaxful.


One More Girl, no longer online

Anxiety and Depression VS. Anxious and Depressed

When you tell people you have anxiety, they usually say that they have it too.

Everybody gets anxious. It's a general feeling that pretty much everyone will feel once or many times throughout their life.

When you tell people you have depression, they might say that they feel down at times, too.

Everybody gets depressed. It's a general feeling that pretty much everyone will feel once or many times throughout their life.

Those two terms should be able to be used freely by people who are feeling those ways without people with anxiety and depression jumping down their throats and saying that it's not okay for them to feel that way or without feeling offended.

Of course if you have anxiety and/or depression, you might feel as though things are worst for you, but other people can feel anxious and/or depressed, maybe just not the same way that we do.

I agree that there is a difference, but everyone should be able to express how they feel without someone saying that they "don't know what real depression is like."

However, no one should ever joke about having depression or wanting to commit suicide. I can't believe that it's 2015 -almost 2016- and people are still joking about this serious issue when anyone around them could be pushed over the edge at any moment.

It's sickening.

Everyone gets anxious before speaking in front of the class or before they have to write a test and everyone gets depressed when they lose a loved one or have some sort of traumatic event happen.

Feeling these emotions can cause disruptions in someone's life.

Recently it's been disrupting mine.

To be honest with you all, I don't know what's wrong. I've just been really anxious with school work, I was really anxious with swimming report cards and by the end of the day when I would usually write my blog posts, I just don't have the mental energy to write them.

If anyone read my blog every day when I posted on a regular schedule because they found it therapeutic or simply enjoyed it, I'm sorry for not being back on my schedule, however I'm not in a mental place right now to have a set schedule.

I promise that they will be relatively around the time I used to post my blog posts, every Sunday and Wednesday, but at the moment I'm focusing hard on my mental health and I hope that you can all understand.


One More Girl, no longer online

Being Non-Violent

I always thought that I'd be someone who had everything under control; everything from school life to social life, but upon growing up, I realized that I didn't have a much control over as much as I'd hoped.

When I was told by my doctor that I have anxiety, it wasn't a surprise. Everything was piling up, it was mental breakdown after mental breakdown, getting nervous at any little noise in the classroom and just feeling off the whole day.

I wasn't shocked in that doctors office.

Since then, things have changed. I feel as though my anxiety is under a lot better control. Switching schools did raise my anxiety, but I now have friends and I know that people are there for me, so it's alright now.

Things might be feeling better, but I also have bad days.

I have days where I'm really on edge, I have days where I just hate myself.

I rethink every little thing that I did and I hate myself for doing it.

Since going to the doctors to be diagnosed, I've signed up for a yoga class to help with the anxiety.

At the begin of the class today, the instructor told us about her other work experiences and a few other things that I'd like to share with you all.

When we hear the words "non-violent" or "stopping the violence", the first thing many people picture is someone who's beating another person, but they stop. We picture someone physically hurting another individual, but they stop.

Then, our brain reminds us that there's not only physical violence, but also mental violence. There, we see someone playing mind games with someone, telling them that they're never good enough and insulting them, but then they suddenly stop.

Most people only recognize physical and mental violence when it's performed on someone else, but what about ourselves?

Physically and emotionally harming ourselves is like physically or emotionally harming someone else.

We think awful things to ourselves about how we aren't ever good enough, or we can't do something, but how is that any different from saying it to someone else?

We don't realize it, but we're violent to ourselves, some constantly and others rarely, but we're still being violent.

I understand how hard it is to change a frame of mind once you're stuck in your previous one, but we do have to change the way we think about ourselves.

We're being violent to ourselves and slowly we're destroying ourselves from the inside out with the little remarks such as "I knew you couldn't do it," or "Are you serious? I can't believe you did that, you're such an idiot."

You might believe that you can only be violent both physically and mentally towards someone else, but I hope that I've persuaded you all into seeing that that's false.

Being negative to yourself is just as violent as you being negative towards someone else.

Working together to stop violence is an important thing and it must be done.

One of the first ways to do so is to stop being violent towards yourself.


One More Girl, no longer online